I'll Be
by rachelandjuliaBWSC
Summary: When you're trying to burn the bridge, your best friend is the one standing there with a fire extinguisher. AU Companion piece to "Love Like Crazy" by Piper Maru Duchovny and "We Weren't Crazy" by Oneturtledove. Adam/Lindsay, Danny/OC
1. Chapter 1

A/N (Oneturtledove): If you have no idea what you're reading, bookmark this and go read "We Weren't Crazy" by me and "Love Like Crazy" by Piper Maru Duchovny. For those of you who do know these stories, this takes place right before the girls get pregnant with the boys. And I can't think of anything else to say.

* * *

><p>The house was quiet as she laid on the couch, watching the TV Guide channel scroll by. It was a gloomy day to match her gloomy attitude and gloomy health and she couldn't imagine a time when she would ever want to get up off this couch. The thought would have depressed her if she wasn't already depressed, and the reality of that only went to depress her further.<p>

She hated the downswings like this, with all she had in her she wished them away. They always crept up and jumped on her when she least expected it, when everything was going right and there was no reason to feel like this. It made it harder to hide this way, not that she was allowed to hide much anymore. And not that she necessarily felt like she needed to hide or that she resented not being able to.

The thoughts were adding to her headache and she sighed, taking a drink of the now tepid tea that Adam had brought her before he left. He'd brushed her hair back from her forehead, locked his eyes with hers and asked her once more if she was absolutely certain that she didn't want to go with him and Colton to the science museum. She'd just nodded sadly, desperately wanting to go and join in the fun, but knowing that the doldrums were going to make her miss out. She just couldn't get it together, and she hated that. She hated watching them leave without her, but she couldn't force herself to follow them. She felt like a failure and was just starting another round of feeling sorry for herself when there was a knock on the door.

"Hey Under the Weather Girl," Austin greeted, closing the door behind her. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," Lindsay answered gently, sitting up a little.

"You don't look okay. What's wrong?"

"I just don't feel good," she half-lied, looking away.

"Linds. What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Something."

Austin sighed as she perched on the edge of the chair across from her, "I know you, Lindsay. I know you too well to ever believe that it's okay or normal for you to be laying here in the dark, not taking care of yourself or your family, and crying and getting snot all over your sleeve because you ran out of tissues. Will you tell me what's going on? I'm not blind, something is up."

"No, nothing," Lindsay corrected, crossing her arms.

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not! Nothing's going on."

She ran a hand through her messy curls in anguish, "I'm worried about you Lindsay."

"Well, gee," Lindsay snapped; she was growing tired of people walking on eggshells around her, trying to protect her from things they couldn't even comprehend, "thanks for pulling your head out of the clouds long enough to think of little ol' me."

"How did I become the bad guy here?"

"You're accusing me of lying to you!"

"You are lying to me. I can see that something's going on and you just don't want to tell me. And I don't know why, I tell you everything."

"Oh whatever."

"Don't whatever me, Lindsay Ross. You won't tell me what's wrong and I just don't get it. You've got the perfect husband, the perfect son. Your family is the frickin' Waltons. You've got a job and a roof over your head. Friends and people who love you. And still here you sit, unable to even get out of bed. You have everything anyone could ever ask for and more and I just don't get how you still can't get out of bed."

"Maybe I just don't want to tell you," Lindsay shouted finally, pounding her fist on the couch in exasperation. "Maybe you've never listened to me before and it's a wasted effort so I gave up. I never promised to tell you everything anyway, so I don't know what you're so upset about."

"I never listen to you?"

"No! You nod your head and then change the subject and that's it. I can't just pretend like everything is okay if I know you don't care, so I don't give you a chance."

"You think I don't care? Well I do. Maybe you're just so cold and closed off to everyone else that you don't see that. You hide behind whatever it is that happened to you and you never let anyone in too close because you're scared. Well that hurts, Lindsay. It hurts to try and be there for someone and try to love them and know that they don't need you or want you around. It hurts to hear someone say that they love you and deep down you know it's not true because they're probably just not capable of it."

"You think that's how I am? No Austin, that is you to a T."

"Me? I let you in, Lindsay. I told you things I have never told anyone else. I cried in front of you when I've only ever cried in front of Danny. I stuck by you and supported you even when it hurt. Even when you didn't tell me you were pregnant for so long. I was still there. I've never hidden anything from you. I have always trusted you. And now it turns out you absolutely don't trust me. At all. What is that all about? What did I do that was so wrong that makes you hate me?"

"Stop it! Stop turning this around on you! It's always about you and how you hurt because you're the squeaky wheel and heaven forbid you ever rise above what happened."

"I can't do this anymore," Austin said, jumping up from the chair, everything suddenly becoming too much. The world suddenly felt like it was amplified by a million decibels, her chest heaving as she tried to catch a deep breath.

"Yeah, just walk away when things don't go how you planned."

She raced for the door, slamming it behind her in a feeble attempt to block out the yelling she had never been able to handle.

Lindsay wanted to throw a last word in, but she was seething too much to think of anything. She sank back on the couch, regretting her parting words even as she had said them. She knew that was the worst thing she could say, but they tumbled out before she could stop them. The depression did that sometimes, made her act before thinking, made her hurt people that she loved. She hurt too though, badly. No one had ever said something like that to her, something so correct and pointed and exactly what she feared about herself that it made her nauseous. Her hands shaking with hurt and rage, she jumped off of the couch and ran into the bathroom, letting herself actually get sick. She'd never had a fight like this. Sure, there had been blow outs with people before, even with Adam. But those relationships were salvageable. Those things she could fix. But this, with Austin, she was almost completely certain that "I can't do this anymore" wasn't just meant for the here and now.

* * *

><p>The brisk winter air of New York City hit Austin like a ton of bricks. She breathed deeply for a few moments before racing over to the trashcan on the corner and heaving up her lunch. Lindsay's words whirred around in her head as she tried to catch up with how a friendly concern had so quickly devolved into a fight. The words stung more painfully than any hit she had ever taken.<p>

Cold was seeping through her light jacket as she pulled up her hood and stuffed her hands in her pocket. Tears prickling at her emerald eyes, she began the three mile walk home. She suddenly didn't feel deserving of the warmth that a taxi or subway could offer but rather lost herself in the numbness of brittle cold. The truth in Lindsay's words ate at her stomach lining – she was a selfish person and demanded more work than most people were willing to give. There was a reason that Lindsay was her first real friend not forged from circumstances or time but rather of two hearts that needed each other finding one another. She wasn't good with people. She hurt them and they hurt her. No one stuck around forever. That's all there was to it.

Tears fell freely as she walked, her walls rising up ever so quickly to protect her far too fragile heart. She replayed Lindsay's words over and over like a broken record. _"You never listen... I know you don't care..."_

But she did care. For the first time in almost fifteen years she allowed herself to care about someone who wasn't her daughters, her husband, or her partner. She cared for Lindsay and knew that something was seriously wrong. Part of her wanted to turn around and force the issue but pride kept her walking on. She was angry and hurt, knowing full well if she turned around now the fight would escalate even further and she didn't want to get tore down anymore.

_Everyone leaves, _she reminded herself as she kicked a stray piece of exhaust colored ice down the sidewalk – a small victory emerging when it shattered against a tree. Andrew had left, her grandparents had left, every friend she had tried to make in middle school had left. She wasn't worth staying around for, she wasn't worth the risk. Maybe she needed to warn Danny that she would inevitably screw things up with him too and he should go ahead and leave.

Her body was shaking from sobs and bitter cold as she climbed the stairs to the apartment building. She let herself into the apartment, her knees wobbling at the sight of Danny curled up with a sleeping Isabeth next to him on the couch and Sarah resting on his chest. He moved toward her the second she entered his line of vision. "Austin? What's wrong? What happened?"

"I screwed it up," she sniffled. "I pushed too hard and she started yelling and I couldn't stand there one second more while she screamed, so I left. And it hurts to breathe and I don't want to think. I ruined it. I ruined my one real friendship. I suck. God, do I suck. I make everything worse."

"Stop," Danny cupped her jaw. "You know there's something wrong with Montana and whatever she said I'm sure she didn't mean it."

"But she did," Austin cried. "And she's right. I'm selfish and I never paid attention before and I just suck."

"C'mere."

He shifted Sarah to one arm and pulled her to him with the other, letting her pour her hurt into him.

* * *

><p>"But I no want a nap," Colton whined as the door opened.<p>

"Well it's naptime," Adam answered quietly. "I'm going to take a nap too."

"And mama?"

"Yeah, mama too."

"She always sleepy daddy."

"I know, bud."

Lindsay turned her face into the pillow as she listened to the conversation, feeling like she had failed in everything. She couldn't be a mother because she couldn't even get herself moving. She couldn't be a wife because Adam spent so much time helping her that she never helped him. She couldn't be a friend because she was too scared and defensive to let anyone in. They got close and she snapped or her depression snapped and it was never the same again. And now the one person who never deserved any of that had just bore the full brunt of it.

"Hey, Sweet Potato Pie," Adam said, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Feeling any better?"

She shook her head, unable to say anything, and he crawled over her, laying down next to her and drawing her into his arms.

"What happened?"

"I'm horrible."

"No you're not."

She sniffled and he pushed her hair back from her face, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Yes I am, Adam. Austin came over here and she was just checking on me and it turned into this fight and I said things… Adam I said things that she should never have heard."

"What do you mean, sweetie?" he asked, finding her hand and kissing her fingertips.

"She told me I was cold and I never let anyone in."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is. But I don't want it to be. And she said it, so I shot it back at her and eventually she left and I," she gulped, holding back a new batch of tears. "I said she was just walking away because things weren't going the way she wanted. I brought that up, Adam. The one thing I know she's so sensitive about, the one thing she still feels like she failed at, and I equated her to everyone that's ever left her. She should never want to talk to me again. I'm horrible."

He wrapped his arms around her and she cried softly. It wasn't even about her anymore, she was just hurting for her friend. She could take words, no matter how they were delivered, but every time she closed her eyes, she saw that look of betrayal on Austin's face, the one that said "I'm outta here." She'd never hurt someone so badly before.

"Linds, honey, it's gonna be okay."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is. I understand how badly you're both hurt but you'll get through this. You're not going to give up on her, are you?"

"I will if she wants me to."

"Lindsay Ross, you will not. You know that. She's your best friend and you love her. It's going to be alright."

"I wish it was that simple."

* * *

><p>"Mama," Isabeth danced around the living room in her princess pajamas to the Grace Potter song that was floating softly from the speakers, "We see Colt 'n Indy 'morrow?"<p>

Austin's voice caught in her throat as she realized that she would have to tell her daughter that she couldn't see her best friend. "Not tomorrow, sweetheart."

"But we see Colt 'n Indy!" Isabeth protested as she stopped dancing to stomp her feet defiantly. "Twoday! We see Colt 'n Indy on Twodays!"

"I know we do..." Austin picked up the little girl and stood to walk around the living room. "Isabeth, I'm sorry we can't see Colton and Lindsay tomorrow but we'll find something else to do."

"BUT WHY!" Isabeth wailed and fought against her mother's hold. "Isa want Colt!"

"Isabeth Grace," Austin's voice was firm but soft as she held on tightly through the temper tantrum. "I know you want to see Colton and mommy is very sorry but you won't be seeing him tomorrow. I promise I'll make it up to you."

"NO!" Isabeth screamed in Austin's face. "MY COLT!"

The little girl fought hard against her arms as she kicked and screamed. Austin sunk to the living room floor as the tantrum continued knowing that Isabeth would eventually cry herself out. The little fists slammed against her arms and chest as she slammed her heels down against the carpeted floor. Austin wrapped herself carefully around her daughter to keep her from hurting herself.

"Isabeth listen to mommy. I know you're upset and that you want to see your friend but you need to calm down now. It's almost bed time and you're going to wake Sarah up if you don't quit screaming."

"Mommy," Isabeth whimpered as the tears slowed and her breathing hiccupped. "Want Colt."

"I know," Austin stood again and scooped the little girl up. "Why don't we take a bubble bath and calm down, okay?"

"Bath?" her brows furrowed. "But bedtime?"

"You can stay up a little later tonight," Austin explained as she kissed her daughter's forehead. "Tomorrow Mama will think up something fun to do, okay?"

"Otay, Mama," Isabeth relented as Austin helped her out of her pajamas into a super bubbly bubble bath.

Austin sat beside the bathtub and pressed a cool wash cloth to Isabeth's swollen eyes. They stayed in the bath for a long time; Austin making foam beards for Isa and listening to her daughter's stories as she babbled about her bubble castle and the people who lived there. When the water had grown cold and the sniffles had abated, she carefully rinsed the child off and helped her into a clean set of pajamas. Isa clung to her mother's neck as they left the room. "Time for bed."

"Stay Mama?" Isabeth asked and patted her mother's face, "No seeps!"

"It's late," Austin explained as they entered the girls' room. Isa let out an aggravated growl as Austin tucked her into the toddler bed, "I know you're sleepy, Isabeth Grace. So it's time to close your eyes and go to dreamland."

"Mama."

"Not working, Kid." Austin gave a small half-smile as she kissed the little girl's hair, "I love you with every beat of my heart, Isabeth Grace Messer."

"Love Mama," Isabeth countered and placed her hands on Austin's cheeks, squishing them until her lips were puckered and kissed them. "Ni'night."

"Good night."

She turned on the night light before checking on Sarah and slipping out the door. The dimly lit end table called her like a siren to the shore and she picked up the house phone with little hesitation. She flopped on the couch and pulled her feet under her as Elvis jumped up beside her. She dialed the newly familiar number and waited forever for the recipient to pick up.

"Bonasera."

"Stella," Her emotions got the best of her and tears began to fall.

She heard the urgent shuffling of papers and office chairs, "Austin? What's wrong?"

"Lindsay and I had a fight," The tears fell freely and she swiped at them with the sleeve of her thermal shirt, "a really, really, really bad fight."

"Oh, Kiddo," Stella's voice was soft and wrapped around her like a warm hug, "Tell me what happened."

"She's been in a real bad funk lately," Austin managed through the tears, "Adam asked me to go over and talk to her today... I don't know what I did or what I said but suddenly it was a fight. I got mad at her for not getting up off the couch and living her life and she..." She paused as a sob racked her chest, "She said that I don't listen and that I'm all about myself... There was some yelling and you know how I get when there's yelling.. so I left. And as I was leaving she told me that I was a leaver..."

"Austin..."

"She was right," Hyperventilation was on the horizon as she tried to talk around the sobs, "I'm no better than them, Stella... Everything I never wanted to be I've some how turned into. I really am a Hawthorne. A real freaking screw up who runs off everyone. No wonder you left for New Orleans."

"Austin Grace Messer," Stella's voice was uncharacteristically sharp, "Listen to me. You are not like your family, Austin. I'm sure that Lindsay didn't mean what she said and, you hear this, I did not leave New York because of you. I left because it was what I needed to do. I left New York, Austin, I didn't leave you."

"It just hurts, Stella," Austin pulled her knees to her chest and clenched the phone until her knuckles turned white, "I know that it's not right but it doesn't make me not think those things... all those horrible things that I've believed about myself and my best friend hurls them at me."

"I know," She could almost see Stella fiddling with her pen as she tried to balance her work and calming her down, "Listen, Austin, Lindsay's been through some real dark stuff and she hasn't necessarily gotten over all of it. Chances are that she's in a really dark place right now and took it out on you."

"What happened to her?" She asked as she pulled at her pajama pants, "You have to know... I'm sure that Mac told you."

"It's not my story to tell, Austin," Stella sighed, "just give her a chance to come around. Don't shove her out because you're feeling hurt right now. Like you said, she's your best friend and you will get past this. She's gonna come to you and she's gonna be sorry and you need to forgive her for it."

"But... if she's my best friend why won't she trust me with this?"

She heard the telltale drum of a pen tapping against the hardwood desk, "Have you ever told her about your Dad and Andy? Have you ever really told her all of it?"

"Well," Austin hesitated, "no."

"You've got to give a little to get a little," She explained, "You've got to tell her the truth if you expect her to do the same."

"Yeah," Austin sniffled, "can I just be mad for awhile?"

"I think that's acceptable," Stella agreed as Austin heard Sarah's cries over the baby monitor, "That Sarah?"

"She must need her diaper changed, it's the only time she ever cries," Austin explained, "I've gotta go."

"Give the girls some cuddles for Grandma."

"I will."

Stella's voice was soft as she quickly added, "I love you, Austin. Be safe."

"I love you too." Austin replied as she hung up.

When she got to Sarah's crib the little girl was red faced and Isabeth's head was burrowed beneath her pillow in protest. Austin picked up the little girl and checked her diaper that was still dry. Quickly she left the room with the crying baby in hopes that Isabeth wouldn't be awaken by the offensive noises. She bounced the little girl as they walked, "What's goin' on Sarah Claire? You wake up wanting to be mad?"

The blond haired six month old was beginning to calm down at the sound of her voice, "My Sarah Claire... you knew Mama was upset, huh? I'm sorry that you had to feel it. I love you so much and I never ever want you to feel hurt."

She bounced her daughter for a few more moments before turning on her Grace Potter and the Nocturnals CD again. The funky jazz beats of _Low Road _filled the living room as Austin began a slow swaying dance around the coffee table as Sarah gummed on her hair. She sung along softly as they danced, "But it's a low, low road, you've gotta roll down before you find your way my friend, and it's a high, high hill you have to climb up before you get to the top again."

That's how Danny found them almost an hour later as the song had circled around again when he came in. Sarah was asleep with her head in the crook of Austin's neck as she danced in circles. Danny walked over to them and wrapped his arms around both of them as he dropped a kiss to both of their heads before joining them in their dancing. His blue eyes found her green ones and they talked without saying a word; he saw her walls being built back up and, with the most loving look he could muster, he pleaded with her to let him in.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Montana, wait up a sec," Danny said, his Converse clad feet squeaking across the hallway. Lindsay sighed and stopped walking, keeping the files beneath her crossed arms and close to her chest, knowing she was giving off a defensive posture but also knowing Danny could take it. He didn't balk under pressure, which is why she guessed that he and Austin fit so well together.

"Can I talk to you? You got a minute?" he asked, stooping down just a little to look into her eyes. She gave a slight nod and he took her elbow, almost pulling her into their office. She hesitated by the door; she knew him well enough to know what he wanted to talk about, and to know that she was going to need a close escape hatch. She might get yelled at and she steeled herself for it, taking a deep breath while he started to talk.

"I know you and Austin had a fight."

She just nodded, her eyes drifting down to the ground.

"She won't tell me what happened. And normally that wouldn't bother me, it's your business. But somethin's off with her, Linds. Somethin's not right. I need to know what happened so I can help her."

She closed her eyes, not wanting to see the desperation on his face anymore. Danny Messer was not an overly sentimental guy, nor did he coddle his wife or think she couldn't handle anything. He knew she was strong and he trusted that she was strong, and if he was worried about her then it was really bad.

"Danny, I want to tell you because I think you need to know, but I just can't."

"Why not?"

"I said horrible things," she started, swallowing the lump in her throat and willing the tears not to fall because if they did they would never stop.

"I kind of gathered there was a lot of horrible on both your ends, Linds. But why can't you tell me?"

"Because if you know what I said, you'll hate me. And I can't take that right now, I just can't."

The tears broke and he crossed the room, not sure what to do for her or where he stood or even the specific reason for her crying.

"Montana," he said, reaching out and giving her shoulder a squeeze. "I'm not going to hate you. You're my partner."

"I hope that's true."

"It is. Look, if you can't tell me what happened, can you at least tell me what I can do to make this better for her? Please, Lindsay."

"I don't know, Danny," she said with a shake of her head. "Just… tell her I lied. Tell her I'm wrong and tell her I didn't know what I was talking about. And remind her how much you love her. Don't let her forget that."

"Are you two going to be okay?"

Her breath hitched at that; she hadn't really wanted to think about how this would end up because it would take the patience and kindness of a million saints for Austin to ever forgive her or trust her again.

"I don't know, Danny. We might not be."

* * *

><p>She was hurt, angry, and her pride had taken quite the blow; the last place Austin Messer wanted to be was crossing enemy lines by entering the crime lab but she had a report she needed Mac to sign and it couldn't be put off. Her stomach was in knots as she took the elevator to the lab and as she walked carefully down the corridor to Mac's office she kept her eyes peeled for Lindsay. It wasn't that she hated her friend but she was still healing, still forgiving and she couldn't handle a face off right now.<p>

Austin found Mac in his office and tried to ignore the worry in his eyes as he signed off on the forms. He opened his mouth several times before finally closing it and giving her a sympathetic smile before she left. Everyone was worried and she knew it. They had never had a fight before and they had went from being okay to not speaking in a blink of an eye. It was like the entire world was sent reeling from the shift in Lindsay/Austin paradigm.

Her arms crossed defensively over her chest as she walked down the hallway she almost slammed to a complete stop as she saw Lindsay across the hall. Their eyes met for longest of mere seconds and it made Austin want to run over and wrap her in a hug. She wanted to take the pain that Lindsay was feeling, promise her that everything was fine, and let it all go. Another part of her, however, was incredibly angry and she wasn't ready to let go of that just yet.

She managed to jerk her eyes away from her friend and made a break for the stairs. It was a long walk down but she needed the time to clear her mind as her boots pounded against each step. When she finally exited the office building she raced across the street to the precinct. Flack was sitting at his desk and looked up at her when she came in. She tossed the file folder on his desk, "I've gotta go."

"Okay," He agreed without hesitation, "I'll cover for you."

"Thanks," She gave a soft smile and grabbed her keys before turning on her heel.

As if on autopilot she had made her way to the Bronx where the batting cages were across from Yankee stadium. She paid the usage fee, grabbed a bat, and made her way to her allotted cage. Austin dropped her bag on the floor as the sounds of aluminum bats hitting the balls filled the air. She crossed behind the mesh and took her place on the mark before slamming the button to start the pitches. The machine threw her a myriad of different pitches and she slammed most of them as hard as she could until her shoulders began to ache.

Austin felt him before she heard him, "Whatever you got to say in her defense, Adam, I'm not ready to hear it."

"Fair enough," Adam Ross sat on the bench by her bag as she continued to hit the baseballs. "I believe you have every reason to be upset and I'm not here to convince you to forgive her."

She swung hard into a fast ball. "Then what are you here for?"

"You're my friend," he shrugged. "I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Do I look like I'm okay?" Austin asked as emotion clogged her throat and she hit a ball so hard it bounced off the far wall. "No, Adam, I'm not okay. My best friend unknowingly said that I'm just like my brother, hell, she might as well have told me I was Jack Hawthorne. She was right too. I'm no better than the lot of them. I leave, I don't care about people, and I bring everyone down with me."

"Aust," Adam felt just a tinge of anger at his wife but he was fully aware that she didn't know what she did – at least not to the full extent. "it's okay to be mad but don't let yourself believe that you're like them."

"I've got his blood running through my veins, Adam." She hit two consecutive fast balls. "Who the hell knows what I'm capable of. I'm already a leaver... what's next?"

He stood, walking over and lacing his fingers through the mesh. "You're not your brother, Austin... and you're sure as hell not your father."

"I know," Austin promised as the last ball came flying towards her and she used every ounce of momentum to send it flying hard across the room. The machine whirred down and she leaned against the bat as she removed her batting helmet. "I just need time, Adam... I love her to death and I'm not walking away from the friendship. I just need time."

"Understood."

* * *

><p>Her chest was tight to near bursting at the same time it felt so inexplicably empty. Every breath hurt and there was a pain in her stomach that she couldn't seem it get rid of. The darkness that greeted her when she arrived home was excruciating, and she quickly made her way to Colton's room to check on him. He was sleeping peacefully, his cheeks red and his snores light. She spent a moment just staring at him, feeling herself calming just a little as she looked at him. She stroked his hair back and kissed his cheek, then righted herself and went into her own bedroom. Adam was stretched out on the bed on his stomach, sleeping just as deeply as Colton had been. She hated to wake him up but she needed him.<p>

Quietly, she shed her clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor before crossing the room to the bed. She stood there for a second, then crawled in on his side, because that was the way he was facing. Gently she grabbed his wrist and lifted his arm, settling it around her and taking a deep breath. He smelled like Old Spice Swagger and sleep and it should have brought her peace but instead it just brought tears.

"Babe?" he asked tiredly, rolling onto his side and pulling her into his chest. "What's the matter? What happened?"

"I really messed up."

"What do you mean?"

"I saw Austin today. And she wouldn't even look at me. I didn't expect her to say anything but just… I messed up so bad, Adam. I hurt her even more than I thought. She's never going to want to talk to me again."

"Linds, she will too."

"No she won't. Because she trusted me. And now she's never going to trust me again."

"Lindsay you know that's not true."

"Yes it is."

"She just needs time."

"I wouldn't want to see me again. Not after what I said. She should run as far away from me as she can."

"Do you think you're some kind of monster?"

She nodded as a few sobs tumbled out and she buried herself in his chest.

"Sweetheart, you're not a monster. And if you expect her to forgive you, you're going to have to forgive yourself."

"I can't. Not when I hurt her that bad."

He sighed, hating how much this fight was tearing them both apart. He'd seen Austin enough to know that she wasn't doing any better than Lindsay was. They were both absolutely miserable, but there was nothing that either he or Danny could do about it.

"Honey, it's so fresh still, it's gonna hurt bad for a while longer. But it's gonna get better. I promise."

"No it's not. It shouldn't. You didn't see what how she looked at me. It's the worst thing I could have ever said. I hurt her so bad, Adam. So bad. She should never forgive me for that. Ever."

"But she will."

"How can you even love me?"

"What?"

"How can you love a person that can be so horrible to someone?"

"Lindsay, you were hurting too. You said things you didn't mean and she knows that."

"I hate this," she hiccupped, her fists clenching against his chest.

"You hate what, honey? Say it."

"I hate this stupid depression!" she spit out, her body tensing at the word. He knew how hard it was for her to say, to give a name to it. She wanted to think that it was just her, she wanted to hold that guilt because that made more sense. But that wasn't fair and she had to acknowledge the fact that it was something she couldn't control.

Her fists stayed balled against him as she cried in frustration, trying to let out all the emotions, but just finding more buried under her tears. He held her tight, wishing he could at least take away the guilt because that was what was making this so bad. He knew if the guilt got worse and Austin did eventually want to talk things out, Lindsay would try to run her off, saying it was better for Austin to not have to deal with her. And he knew that kind of reaction was only going to make things worse.

"Lindsay, please listen to me right now. I know you want to protect her and I know you think you're the problem, but that's not the case. And I know I don't know her as well as you do, but I do know one thing. When she decides to love someone, nothing can change that. And she decided to love you."

"Well maybe she should decide not to."

He sighed, knowing he wasn't going to get anywhere when she was like this. She needed some time to be self-deprecating and shoulder the blame because that is just how she functioned. Everything had to be her fault first or she would get defensive and make sure nothing was her fault.

"Don't run her off because you're scared of yourself. And don't pretend like you did all the hurting either. I know you don't care about that as much as you care about what she's feeling, but don't act like you don't matter. That's only going to make her mad."

"Okay," she whispered as his arms came around her and he rolled them over so she could lay on his chest.

"It's going to work out. I know it will because I know how stubborn both of you are. And yeah, that's probably what created most of this mess in the first place, but it's also what's going to have to clean it up."

"She trusted me and I failed her."

"You haven't failed her yet. Look, there's a little part of her that I understand really, really well. It's part that you would understand if you would just let yourself feel it."

"What part?"

"Linds, she's been left behind. A lot. By people that were never supposed to leave her. People that never held on and never came back. You can try to protect her or think its better for her to be without you, but let me be very clear here. She is going to see that as just another person she loves leaving her. And I know that you don't want to be that person. So as hard as it is, you've got to hold on to her. If it's really better for her to walk away, she needs to be the one that does that. And I can guarantee you she won't. But if you want to be the best friend to her that you can be, you won't make that decision for her. Alright?"

She nodded and sniffled as he wiped her tears away.

"I miss her," she confessed quietly. "I really miss her and I don't even know how to function without her. And I know how stupid that sounds but it's true. She's been there every single day for years. I haven't let someone that close since… since what happened. But all the sudden she was just there and now she's not. I don't know what to do anymore. When did I become so reliant on a friendship? How did that happen? Why do I feel like I'm thirteen years old?"

"Sweetie, I think you finally let yourself deal with what happened and realized it was okay to have that friendship again. It's normal and it's good and you need it. Both of you need it. I know you miss her. You should miss her, it would be weird if you didn't. She misses you too I'm sure."

"No she doesn't."

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do."

"I don't see her sitting at home crying about this or wondering if we'll fix it or anything like that. Maybe it's just me feeling sorry for myself."

"Pretty sure that's the case."

"Do you think it'll be okay? I mean do you really, really think that?"

"I do. She's not a leaver honey."

"I know that," she said, wincing as she was reminded again of what she had said. "I know she would never leave me that selfishly, but I know she could walk away because it was what she thought was better."

"Believe me, that's not going to happen. You just have to give her some time, okay? Things will get better and before you know it things will be back to normal. It'll all be over. I love you, Linds. No matter what."

"I know. Thank you."

* * *

><p>The door closed behind her with the softest of clicks. She could smell dinner cooking in the kitchen and her heart melted at the sight of her girls sprawled on the floor as Isabeth regaled Sarah with a story in a language Austin couldn't understand. She paused to cover their hair with kisses before shedding her leather jacket and toeing off her shoes before going in search of her husband. She found him perched on the counter as he stirred the boiling pan of tomato sauce that was on the stove next to him. Her eyes raked over his beater covered chest and the old jeans that sagged low on his hips and had holes in both knees. She wanted to lose herself in him and let him take away every bit of pain she felt.<p>

Danny slid off the counter, turned off the burner and extended his arms to her. She walked forward without another thought as she fell against his chest. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck as she rocked them back and forth, almost dancing. His lips were light against her temple as they swayed.

"Let me in, Austin, don't lock me out now."

"You're always in," she promised as her fingers trailed lightly over his forearm before she found his hand and interlaced their fingers. "I just don't think I can handle anymore hurt right now."

"I've got you," he promised. "Let me protect you for awhile, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered back as her lips rested against the column of his throat as he hummed a familiar tune.

They danced awhile longer. Danny held on tightly as she let the few tears slip and land like bullets on his shoulder. He pressed soft kisses from her temple, across her jaw, down her neck to her collarbone and back again. Her fingers danced across his broad shoulders, up his neck, through his hair, and down his back. She pulled back after a few minutes and brought his lips to hers. Their mouths continuing the dance that their bodies had abandoned. He kissed her until her lips were swollen, her hair was mussed, and breathing was nigh impossible. He let her breathe for a moment before repeating the action. The sacred dance continued until a very hungry eighteen month old demanded food.

They sat around the dinner table; Danny cutting up Isabeth's pasta and Austin feeding Sarah mashed up sweet potatoes. When the girls had been pacified and their food had grown cold they were finally able to eat one handed as his left hand held her right across the table. Nothing was magically better but for the first time since the fight began Austin didn't feel so incredibly alone.


	3. Chapter 3

She couldn't take it anymore. Everything was piling in on top of her and she couldn't even reach a hand from under the rubble to tap someone else in. Her shoulders actually ached from the weight of it all and she walked slowly because her joints felt as if they were on fire. She just needed to sit down, just for one minute and breathe, just to get her bearings back. It was like being pulled in a million different directions but worse somehow, and she wasn't sure if she could pull hard enough back towards herself to gather all her pieces again.

The office was quiet and dark and she slipped inside, craving the nothingness that it afforded. She closed the door behind her and sat down on the couch in the corner taking a deep breath.

She didn't know where the tears came from but they were there in full force, beating her on the inside and weakening her on the outside. She'd already cried a few times, but nothing like the sobs that were coming out now. It wasn't just the fight, it was everything. It went back to the bank the year before, back to her father in the hospital, back to the fight with Adam, back to so many things that she thought were fine but really weren't. She thought she had dealt with them. And maybe she had, but she'd never let them go. She held onto hurt with the same intensity she held onto love and it had gotten her to this place quite a few times before.

She couldn't sit up anymore and she slowly laid down across the couch, her arms wrapped around her stomach as the sounds of her own cries drowned out everything else. It could have been minutes or hours she laid there, her skin hot with angst, her throat rough and her nose running. She was a mess everywhere, the outside looked as bad as the inside and for a while she really didn't care.

"Lindsay?"

She opened her eyes at the sound of her name and found Jo staring down at her, concern etched deep into her face. She couldn't say a word because the tears were still coming fast so she shook her head instead. Jo crouched down and touched her forehead, not looking for a fever, but using a touch connoted as maternal to try and instill a little calm.

"What's the matter, honey child?" she asked, her voice slithering into southern as the emotion took hold of it. She hated to see anyone like this, and it always made her feel it more deeply when it was a friend.

"I'm so tired," Lindsay nearly wailed, trying desperately to catch her breath. "I can't hold it all anymore. I just can't."

"What can't you hold, Lindsay?"

"Everything!" she said, sitting up and scrubbing at her eyes. "Why am I the one that always has to be strong? Why do I always have to take the blame? Why do I always have to forget how I hurt because it's too hard for someone else? Why do I always have to fix everyone and everything else? Why can't I fall apart? Why can't I let go? I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!"

She was yelling now, her words punctuated with a fist to the cushions. She was seething and her hands were starting to shake and every time she blinked it was as if her eyes became hotter and hotter.

"Then get mad, Lindsay!" Jo said, her voice stern. "Let yourself get mad. Do it, right now."

"I am mad! I'm mad and I'm hurt and I want to break things."

"Do it!" Jo encouraged, grabbing the stapler off the desk. "Throw this."

"What?"

"Throw it! Get mad, Linds and throw it."

She hesitated for just a second then threw the stapler against the floor.

"Do it again."

Lindsay got up and took the cup of pens and pencils off the desk, jerking it so all the writing utensils flew out and scattered on the floor, before throwing the cup against the solid wall. A feeling washed over her then and she didn't know if it was good or bad, but she went with it, grabbing everything she could lay her hands on and throwing them all over the room. Anything that was hers and not expensive was at the mercy of her angry hands and she spent several minutes using every swear word she could think of, real and made up, throwing and breaking things and then picking them up and throwing them again. She screamed and cried and stomped her feet while Jo coached her to trash the place. It felt good and she hated that it felt good but she couldn't stop it until her desk chair crashed to the floor and she had nothing left to destroy. She just stood there for a moment, surveying the damage before the tears of relief came. Her legs turned to jelly and she slowly made her way to the carpet, crumpling into a tiny ball while Jo gently rocked her back and forth.

Slowly she realized that she had never been that mad before. Everything that had happened just hurt, it didn't anger her. She'd always been more likely to accept something than to fight it. And she knew it had nothing to do with how strong she was, and everything to do with how hurt she'd been. Accepting left you with less bruises. Accepting was self-preservation.

But it couldn't go on forever, no matter how safe it felt. She had to blow up, she had to let go. Because if she didn't it was going to eat her up inside.

She began to regain her composure, little by little until her breathing was normal and the tears stopped flowing. It felt good to lose it like that, but it couldn't become a habit. She eventually had to get off the floor and stand on her own two feet and put it all back together. She took a breath and smiled as Jo gave her a reassuring squeeze. They didn't say anything as they stood from the floor, both wiping away tear tracks and moving to clean up the mess. There was a lot to pick up but it was faster with both of them working on it. And besides the bent stapler and broken coffee mug, no one would ever know what had happened.

Lindsay reached over and touched the picture on her desk, then looked over at Jo.

"Thank you," she whispered, unable to think of anything else. Jo shook her head and pulled her into a hug.

"Anytime."

Lindsay nodded and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Can I give you one more tiny piece of advice?"

"Yes."

"You need to talk to Austin. And you need to do it soon."

"I'm trying to give her space."

"When does space become avoidance?"

"I know. You're right."

"It doesn't have to be now, but you can't put it off forever."

"I know."

"Whatever else is going on with you, you need her. She's your best friend. No one else can help you the way she can, whether she completely understands or not."

"I'll talk. I promise."

"Good. If you need a stand in until then, you find me, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

* * *

><p>The bullpen of the lower Manhattan precinct was teeming with people as Austin tried desperately to focus on the case file in front of her. Flack sat across from her trying to map out their suspect's alibi with their time line. She growled in frustration as she tossed her pen at the folder and her phone rang. With a sigh, she answered it.<p>

"Messer."

"Hey Sister Sledge!"

The exuberant voice belonged to her big brother.

Austin pinched her nose and sighed. "What's up, Andy?"

"What's with the lack of enthusiasm Rin-Tin-Tin?" Andrew asked and she could almost see him bouncing at his seat, "I thought you'd be all excited to hear from your big brother."

"Andrew," her voice was harsher than she intended. "I'm in the middle of a big case, I got two little girls who never want to sleep, it's been a bad week, and I need to get back to work. Not that I don't love you to death but is there a point to all this?"

"Sorry," he softened some, and her gut hurt from the disappointment she could feel. "I just wanted to tell you that we're coming back to New York for Michael and Michelle's birthdays. There's gonna be a party at Mom and Pop's. You'll come right?"

"Drew," her voice was soft and she felt like throwing up as she remembered the last ill fated crossing with her father. "I don't know. Can't you guys just make a stop by our place?"

"Austin," he pleaded, and she could already feel herself giving in. "The only way to get over these fears of yours is to face them."

"Fine! Whatever," she snapped. "I gotta go."

She slammed the phone down in the cradle as she grabbed the glass paper weight on her desk and hurled it at the cement floor.

Flack's head shot up as the paper weight shattered into a million little pieces and scattered across the floor. He looked at his partner who had went from composed to a complete wreck in under a minute. She was glancing around for something else that would break and he made the executive decision to get her away from every one else. With both arms wrapped around her Flack practically carried her into an empty interrogation room as she started screaming every swear she could remember.

"Shit. Fuck! GOD DAMMIT!"

"Grace," he reached out to calm her down but she twisted away and slugged the cinder block wall.

"Why does this always fucking happen to me?" she screamed as she pounded her fist against the wall until her knuckles were bloody and bruised. "What the hell did I do to the fucking universe? Can I go a week without a knife getting stabbed in my back?"

"Austin," his voice was soft but strong as she continued cursing everyone she could think of and her foot collided with the folding chair at the table. "What's going on?"

"I suck, Don." She ran a bloody hand through her hair. "Did no one pass the memo onto you? I screw everything up and apparently have an invisible kick me sign on my back!"

"Talk it out," he urged her. He was taken back to nights like this thirteen years ago; nights when Austin would scream and cry at the injustices of her life just to be able to fall asleep. Something had sent her spinning and she was thrown back to the same scared, angry teenage girl that was just trying to survive. "Talk it out, Grace. Tell me."

She slid down against the wall and pulled her knees to her chest. "Lindsay and I had a fight... she said some things that... she might as well have called me Jack. She told me to go ahead and walk on out because it's what I do. I'm so mad at her even though I get that she's going through something. I am so fucking pissed off even though I know the truth. Then... then Andrew calls and tells me that they're coming into the city next week and I have to go see them. I have to go face that jackass I call a father and I have to talk to my brother. I'm so sick of it, Flack. I'm sick of understanding why people are the way they are! I'm sick of being the universe's punching bag. Why can't I ever catch a break?"

"I don't know," he sat down beside her and pulled her into his lap. They had dated once upon a time but it was one of those things that led them to the astute observation that they were better as friends. When Danny had left for the minors all those years ago he had made it his vow that he would protect Austin when Danny couldn't and he wasn't about to stop doing that now. She was so small in his arms and he wanted to protect her from every bad thing she had ever felt. She was so strong that people often forgot that she needed someone to stand for her sometimes. Somewhere along the line she had convinced everyone that she didn't need an ounce of help and Flack was gonna call her bluff. He wasn't giving her a choice, he was going to take care of her this time.

He held her until Mac entered the interrogation room. Someone had called and told him that Austin was freaking out and Flack could use some back up. The elder man knelt in front of them and held his arms out to Austin who leaned forward immediately and let her lift him from the cold cement. He sat her on the table long enough to wrap some gauze around her scraped up knuckles and then he lifted her again. He carried her out to the police issue SUV as her head burrowed in the crook of his neck as they passed her coworkers. No one said a single word as they watched her being carried out.

Mac placed her in the passenger seat and buckled her in like she was a child then he removed his coat and wrapped it around her. Neither said a word as he navigated the streets until they reached her apartments. He half-carried her up the stairs to the apartment and she leaned heavily against him as they waited for Danny to answer the door. He took one look at her before giving Mac a silent thank you and lifting her off her feet to carry her to bed.

Exhaustion was overtaking her body as Danny lay her down on their bed. He removed her jacket and shoes before tucking her under the blankets and pressing a kiss to her forehead. She was burnt out and too tired to take care of herself at that particular moment and he knew it. So, he laid on top of the covers beside her and wrapped her tightly in a hug.

"I've got you."

* * *

><p>"You need to fix this."<p>

Lindsay looked up from the microscope to find Flack, his face determined and his eyes narrowed.

"Um… fix what?"

"Whatever's goin' on between you and Austin. She told me what you said and you had better get on your knees and beg her to forgive you."

"Flack-"

"Do you realize what you did to her? Do you know how much that hurt her?"

"Yes! I do know that. I do realize that, okay? I know what I did and I'm sorry but she's not exactly keen on hearing that or even looking at me at the moment so I'm giving her a little space."

"Space? You explain to me why I've got a partner over there that was crying yesterday. If all she needs is space, you tell me why she's this upset."

"Because of what I said! Because we fought and because I yelled. It's none of your business anyway."

"Yes it is, and I'm not backing off until you go up there and make things right."

"It doesn't work like that, Flack," she said sadly, feeling some of the fight go out of her to be replaced with acceptance. "I really wish it did, but I can't change it."

"Don Flack I told you not to come up here," Austin said, coming around the corner with her hands on her hips. She took one look at the two of them and knew what had just happened.

"I'm just trying to get this straightened out."

"Look, it's my fault, okay?" Lindsay interrupted, throwing her hands in the air and standing up. "I was mean and stubborn and horrible and I said terrible things that aren't true and I'm wrong, okay? Is that straight enough for you Flack?"

He stood there for a second just staring at her, his jaw slightly dropped. He'd never heard her raise or voice or be mad or even this emphatic about her feelings.

"Linds," Austin started, her voice soft as she took a step into the room.

"Don't. I have work to do right now and I need to get back to that."

They were both silent for a moment, then left slowly, their feet quiet in the hallway while Lindsay collapsed back into her chair with a sigh. Nothing was going right anymore.

* * *

><p>She was allowed to cry only once a day. Some people might think that was too much, some people might think it was too little, but it was enough for her and it worked. She hid out and let tears fall during her long showers because red eyes wouldn't be as noticeable or suspicious afterwards. She didn't want to burden Adam with it anymore and Colton didn't need to keep seeing a sad mama. And it wasn't like she was holding it in either, she was letting it go. She was just controlling the release.<p>

Part of it was hurt and loss, but she had hashed that over so many times it was easy to suck that up and deal with it. Other parts, the parts that still made her cry were more about loneliness and anger than anything. Sure, the great majority of her sadness over the fight was what she had said to Austin and how she had hurt her friend. But the part that hurt now, the part no one seemed to know or care about was the words that had been hurled back at her. Cold. Closed off. Incapable of love. Hiding behind her past. She'd basically been called a coward and a liar and a prickly cactus of a person. It wasn't like she'd never been called those things before. She'd spent almost her entire early adult life swimming in such accusations. She'd always been able to ignore them because she knew they weren't true. But hearing it from her best friend really cut to the quick. Even the coward part was partially true, at least cowardice with her emotions. And she really hadn't been truthful about what was going on. But being incapable of love? That one hurt. That one felt like a kick to the gut every time she thought about it. She didn't think it was right, but maybe it was. Maybe that's why no one listened and no one cared. She wasn't doing that herself. It wasn't like she didn't try. She did everything she could to be the best friend possible, sometimes at detriment to herself. She didn't do it to feel good or to gain recognition, she just did it because everyone needs someone and she didn't want anyone to ever be alone. And to hear from someone who had been on the receiving end of such kindness that she wasn't good enough made her want to just give up on it all. She could focus on her family. She didn't need anyone else.

And maybe that made her even more closed off, but it made her hurt less. Adam and Colton were all she needed, and as long as she could pick herself up and make things right for them, she didn't need to worry about much else. Even the nagging at the back of her head that Austin was right would eventually shut up. She could ignore that. She could prove it wrong if she wanted to. She could use different techniques to make it stop hurting. It would all be fine.

Fine until she stepped into that shower and almost automatically the tears came and she sunk down to the floor burying her face in her hands. Everything rattled around in her head and there was nothing left but the words, the accusations, the yelling, the door slamming. If only she would have been gentler in her words, if only she would have just come clean, there never would have been a fight.

But she hadn't and she couldn't spend forever playing If Only. The fact of the matter was that she was hurt and mad and had just lost her best friend. There was a part of her that was glad, a part that said she didn't need someone who thought of her that way. But the other part, the calmer, more rational part told her that she needed someone that honest, who wasn't afraid to call her out.

But she was still angry. Angry that no one saw her side, that no one saw her. Had it not been for that parting line, this would all be over. They would have fought, Austin would have left and ten minutes later she would have been back and Lindsay would have spilled it all and everything would have been fine. Instead her mouth had gotten the better of her and she'd whipped out the nuclear bomb of insults.

It was so hard for her to remain angry when she thought of that. All that she could feel now was shame and disappointment in herself. She'd hurt Austin so badly and she wanted to fix it, but she wasn't sure she could.

But even if she could, she would still have her own problems, her own hurts, her own depression to try and overcome. She'd done it before, and she could do it again. She just hated so much that no one seemed to see how bad off she was. Of course Adam saw it, it was his job and she was not good at hiding things from him anymore. But she felt like no one heard her side of things. Austin was hurt so she told what Lindsay had said to her, and Lindsay often spoke of the same thing, so no one knew the things Austin had said. She supposed it was fair, the words that had come out of her mouth were so much worse, and everyone had been a part of Austin's life for a lot longer than they had been a part of hers. It only held that they would stop just short of taking sides. She couldn't blame them for that. She didn't even really care that Flack had told her in very specific words that she needed to go beg for forgiveness and fix all this. She didn't care, and yet it still hurt. She had no one in her corner, no one who would understand and accept that she was mad. Once again, she was back in the shadows, alone, where she belonged.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hi."

"Hi."

It was the first words they had spoken to each other in days and they stood there silently, letting them hang in the air for just a moment, as if everything was fine again.

"Can I come in?"

Austin stepped aside and let her in, closing the door behind her.

"I know you don't want me here," Lindsay started, wringing her hands. "And I don't blame you for that. But I'm tired of being without you and I'm tired of being stubborn and I'm tired of being hurt and I need you to know that I'm sorry. Maybe that's selfish and there were a lot of "I's" in that but I really am sorry. I never meant those things and I never thought those things and they came out because… everything is just really messed up right now and I took it out on you. I know I can never make that up to you, and I don't expect you to ever want to forgive me and frankly I don't know if I even want you to because I don't deserve that at all, but I need you to know that none of it was true. Those things I said about you, they aren't true at all. You're not like that. And maybe you don't trust me enough to believe that, but I hope that you do. Because Austin you don't deserve to hurt like this. You don't. And I wish I could take it all back and erase it but I can't. And I'm sorry I can't. I'm sorry I failed you."

Austin's expression hadn't changed the entire time, and Lindsay's stomach sunk at the fact that her pessimism over the whole thing might be correct.

"I hear you," she said finally, quickly before betraying her defensive stance.

"I know you may never want to speak to me again, and I completely respect that, but I have to beg you to please, please not take this out on Colton. He loves you and he misses you and he's been asking for you," she explained, her voice hitching as she thought of his sorrowful eyes staring up at her and asking where "Au'tin" was. "Please don't punish him for something I did. Don't cut him off from you. Please."

Lindsay had never so blatantly begged for anything in her life, and Austin knew that and it struck her to the core. She could have begged for forgiveness or understanding, but instead she was begging for her son's happiness. She didn't care about herself when it came down to it. She just wanted her son to be alright. And it wasn't as if she was begging for something life changing. She just wanted Austin to be there as she always had been. No matter what went on between the two of them, it wasn't that huge of a request. It wasn't like she didn't miss Colton too.

"I won't. I promise."

Lindsay nodded and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and heading for the door, the tears about half a second away from falling. She was shaking with the adrenaline of baring her soul even that much, and she had to get away before everything spewed out.

"Linds," Austin started, grabbing her wrist tightly, her own eyes desperately holding onto tears. "It needs time."

"You don't have to."

"I… just be patient with me."

"Okay."

They looked at each other for a moment before pulling away, Lindsay heading for the door and Austin sinking back into the couch, both of them shedding silent tears that they would loathe for the other to see.

* * *

><p>"Hi."<p>

"Hi."

It had been days since the last similar exchange and that wasn't lost on either of them as Lindsay stepped aside to let Austin in.

"Where's Colton?"

"Taking a nap. Where are the girls?"

"Danny doesn't go in until tonight."

Lindsay nodded and sat down in the corner of the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest as Austin paced a few steps in either direction, looking more lost and bewildered with the passing of every second. Lindsay wanted to stop her, tell her to breathe and calm down, reassure her that it was okay, but she couldn't do that anymore. That wasn't her job or her right. So instead she sat, giving off the most gentle peace she could muster, hoping it would help.

"I don't really know what to say," Austin began on a long sigh. "I really want to just get this part over with and move on because it would be easier, but I know that it wouldn't be fair to either of us to skip it."

Lindsay took a deep breath, bracing herself for what she was sure was coming, the words that she'd been waiting for, the words that said she was a burden and caring about her had finally taken its toll and she wasn't worth it anymore. She'd hoped and prayed that she wouldn't hear them, but she knew she deserved them, knew she'd done everything to ensure them. Her ears tingled and her breathing became faster while she waited, almost as if her entire body knew what was about to happen.

"I'm sorry I don't listen. It took me a while to admit to myself that you were right about that. I don't listen and I don't know why really, I guess I just don't like to hear the bad stuff. And I know that for you that translates into me not caring but I swear to you Lindsay, I do care. I really do. So much that it hurts me when you hurt and maybe that's why I seem aloof or like I'm not listening. I don't know. But I'm sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way. I love you, I really, really do. And I care about you and you're my best friend and I promise, I promise I'll do better. I won't let you think that again, I swear. Please give me a chance to prove it to you. Don't put your walls up and lock me out."

She sat down on the coffee table, her eyes round and wet, pleading the best way she knew how, putting herself so far out of her comfort zone that her heart was pounding in fear.

Lindsay was completely shocked, having been convinced that it was all over. But it was just the opposite and her mind was having a hard time catching up. She closed her eyes tightly and took a breath, feeling it foreign to be in this position. She was usually on the opposite side desperately wanting to not be left behind and it was hard to not go back to that place. Her throat tightened and ran dry and she gave a nearly imperceptible nod.

"You're never locked out," she whispered finally.

"Then look me in the eye, Lindsay and stop taking all the blame. Stop feeling like you're a curse and this whole thing is your fault. It's not. It was both of us. Blame me too."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because every time I try I hear the horrible things I said to you. And I see the look on your face and I hate myself even more and if I let part of it be your fault then… then…"

"Then what? You don't get to be the one that fixes it all?"

"Get to be? Do you think I like doing that?"

"No, but I think it makes you feel safe. I think you take all the blame so everyone feels better about themselves so they won't leave. And I think you've done it for so long that you believe it. I think that you truly believe that there's something wrong with you. But there's not, Linds. It's not your fault. Not all of it. None of this would have happened this way if I had tried just a little harder in the first place, when I first started worrying about you. And even before that too. If I was more open and if you could have trusted me, this never would have happened. And I'm sorry for that. I really am. And I need you to forgive me because I don't think anyone has ever truly asked you for that. Can you do that? Please?"

"Yes."

* * *

><p>"There's a lot we need to talk about," Lindsay said carefully, twisting Isa's hair around her finger. They had decided it was finally time to get the kids together, and there had been an enormous amount of squealing from both children upon seeing each other. It had been just what they needed to realign their friendship, but once the kids had fallen asleep on the couch, they realized that there was a lot more under the surface.<p>

"I know," Austin agreed, readjusting Colton in her arms and kissing his head. "I think we both have a lot we've never said."

"There's stuff I want to tell you but it's just… things like that don't come up in conversation, you know?"

"Yeah. I suppose the little that we both know is what we've relied on, but I know I haven't told you everything."

"I haven't told you either. And I think that this whole thing never would have happened if we had already known these things. Or at least it wouldn't be so bad."

"I hate this."

"I do too."

They were silent for a little while looking down at the kids and both realizing again how far this whole thing had rippled.

"Aust?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm really, really sorry for what I said. I feel like I know how it hurt, but I also know that it's deeper than I thought. And I'm sorry for that and I wish I had never said it because it's not true," she said, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. "I know it's going to be hard for you to trust me again. And what I said wasn't true and I hate that I said it and you had to hear it and it hurt you the way it did. And there are very few things I would change in my life, but that is one of them."

"Lindsay, you don't have to change it. Yes, it hurt and yeah, I was really mad at you for a long time, but it made me see that I wasn't like that. I always knew that, but in the back of my head I worried about it. And now I trust myself more. I know I'm not like that, I know I won't ever run away. Not from you, not from Danny, not from anything. I know that and I don't ever have to worry about it again. It was hard but it was worth it. I just wish that you had been there."

"I was always there, Austin. No matter how awful it was, I was always there if you needed me. I just didn't push because I didn't want you to push the other direction. Maybe I should have done that differently, I should have gone after you or something, but that was the only way I could think to do it. I just was so afraid of screwing up and losing you."

"You're not going to. Ever. No matter what kind of fight we have, I'm always going to be here."

"I know that. I guess I just didn't want you to ever have to make that decision. There shouldn't be any bad in your life ever again and I ruined that. I'm supposed to be your best friend and I hurt you so bad and I feel like I failed you."

"You didn't fail me, Lindsay. We both made mistakes. They're over now."

"Part of the problem was me not being honest with you, right?"

"I think that was a lot of it."

"Then I need to tell you something."

She took a deep breath, fighting off tears and sinking deeper into the couch.

"You can tell me Lindsay."

"I'm really mad at you still," she said after a deep breath.

"There's probably a lot of reasons why," Austin said with a sigh. "But why specifically?"

"You said that I can't love people."

"I did?"

"Yeah. And that really hurts. Because I kind of believe it. And I know that maybe I shouldn't, but there's a part of me that does believe it because you're right. I don't love people enough."

"That's not true. Linds, I don't know why I said that. It's the exact opposite of how you are. You love people so much and so deeply that sometimes you forget about yourself. And I am so, so sorry I said that. It was wrong."

"I don't want to be mad at you anymore. I'm so tired of it. I didn't even let myself get mad about it until a few days ago and I just want it to go away."

"Can you forgive me for that?"

Lindsay nodded vigorously before wiping her tears away.

"It's all done."

"We've still got a lot of talking to do," Austin sighed, wiping the tear that had fallen down her cheek.

"And neither of us want to."

"We're tough."

"Yeah we are."

"Linds, no matter what, you've got me. Have I got you?"

"Always."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This chapter is pretty heavy. Take a deep breath…

* * *

><p>The overstuffed couch practically swallowed Austin whole on that Friday night as she sat so pulled into herself that she was nearly invisible. Lindsay sat just three feet from her on the other end and they both looked at each other awkwardly before shifting their gazes elsewhere. Finally, Austin cleared her throat. "You can ask... you're going to have to ask. I'm not good with starting."<p>

Lindsay looked over at her friend and her heart dropped. Adam had taken all three of the kids while Danny worked so the girls could have a chance to talk but Austin had been closing herself off from the moment she had gotten there. She knew that Austin was trying and if she could just get her talking then maybe they would have a fighting chance, "What happened, Aust? What makes you so skittish?"

"Uhm," Austin sniffled and ran a hand through her tangled curls as she pulled her knees to her chest, "I know that you've got some vague ideas... that, uh, my childhood wasn't exactly unlike Adam's."

Lindsay nodded. It would be a waiting game. Austin would speak in bits and pieces until she got the entire story out, all Lindsay had to do was wait.

"I don't think I've ever told anyone all of it before. Besides Danny. Adam and I talk about it but it's only ever in bits and chunks." Her hands were shaking and she pulled nervously at her lips, running her thumb nail over them until she found the words, "When I was little I was a Daddy's girl. To the extreme. He was a beat cop and from the time I could walk I was going to be a cop just like him. You have to understand that he wasn't a bad guy when I was little. He was actually sweet. He would always spoil me rotten and protect me from my brother when we were arguing. Always took my side. Always. He wasn't a bad guy, Linds."

"I believe you, Austin."

She wiped at her tears with the sleeve of her shirt, "The summer I turned eight... it was a bad summer for the NYPD. Really bad. The eighties were a different time for New York. This was before the gentrification movement. The police were taking a bad rap for some shootings in Washington Heights. Dirty cops and stuff. I don't exactly know how my dad was involved but it was enough to start him drinking. And when he drank, Lindsay, he got mean. Really, really mean."

"Austin," Lindsay wanted to reach out and wrap her in a hug but knew that one touch could send her flying if she tried, "it's okay."

"It's not. It wasn't okay." She choked on her words and anxiously wrung her hands, "I was an easy target. Andrew was gone most of that summer with Danny, and my mom... she just wasn't strong enough to fight him off. I would take it. I was Daddy's girl, ya know? He hit me for the first time just before my birthday and I remember being so scared. I was terrified like any kid would be... That was just the start of it. I thought I deserved it. Every hit, every kick. I thought that I had done something wrong to make him stop loving me."

It was familiar territory. Not long ago she was listening to Adam share a similar tale and all Lindsay wanted to do was to take that pain away from them.

"I would run away after it happened. I would spend days, sometimes weeks even at the Messer house." She explained, "Danny's place was safe. Lou, his dad, was a cop as well and he would go head to head with my dad until he backed down. Eventually I would have to go home though and it would just start all over again." Tears spilled over and she tried as hard as she could to keep her mind from slipping back to that place, "It was about a year into the abuse that I guess he got sick of me slipping away from his anger. He wanted his punching bag around. So, he started locking me in the basement."

"Oh," Lindsay's hand shot to her mouth and her stomach turned violently.

"It was dark and unfinished. It had this smell of mold and was always hot because of the furnace. He would beat me until I was unconscious and I would come to in the dark basement on some old sheets." Austin was shaking but she took a deep breath, powering through, "He would keep me down there for days sometimes. My mom would sneak me out when she could. Sometimes Andy did too. I never really understood it though. Why they were so afraid of him when he wasn't beating them... he was a monster though and while he only hit me – they were victims too."

"Austin," Lindsay breathed her name as tears clouded her own eyes.

"It kept happening for years. One time he broke my wrist and I had to go to the hospital. The nurses filed a report and social services came around." Austin shook her head, "He got the charges dropped. He became a dirty cop and used his badge for his own advancements. It lasted until I was seventeen. The summer after I graduated... Danny was gone with the minors and my brother... My brother had taken off a year prior to go to California... It was really bad."

Her breath was shaky, her chest aching from trying to fight off a panic attack. She didn't dare look at Lindsay for fear that she would lose it completely, "I was having a rough go of it. Rebelling pretty hard. I would take Danny's bike from the Messer garage and ride all over upstate. I pushed hard and for the first time I fought against him. I stopped laying down and taking it." She paused, "That night... God, I can still feel it. I was standing upstairs looking at my brother's empty room – Andy was my best friend and when he left, I was lost. I was standing there and, I can still feel his breath against my neck, he came up behind me and told me that I deserved it. To be left alone. That I ruined everyone's life and that they were all better off without me. I told him to fuck off. There was this... this glass table that my mom had pictures lined up on and the next thing I knew I was flying into it. I didn't get hurt very bad from it. There was some glass shards in my legs and arms but it wasn't life threatening. I tried to get back up and fight him. I wanted to kill him. I really did. He was bigger though and stronger. He uh... His kicked me. A lot. Then the last thing I remember is his fist coming down at my face while my mom screamed at him to stop."

Lindsay's hand was clamped over her mouth to hold back the regurgitation that burned her throat, "Shit."

Austin stole a glance at her at the curse that was uncharacteristic of her best friend, "Yeah. I came to in the basement again. I had no idea how long I was down there. About two days was what I heard later though. The occipital bone around my left eye had been broken and my eye was swollen shut." Tears fell freely now without any permission as sobs racked her chest, "Danny... he had come home for the weekend. When he couldn't get a hold of me. He knew about the basement. That my dad would lock me in there sometimes. I was able to see him out of my good eye and he was standing outside the tiny window that my dad had nailed shut. He kicked it in and I managed to stumble over there. When he pulled me out... He took me to the hospital and I was in for two weeks. I never tried to press charges because I knew that they wouldn't stick. I had to have surgery on my face and it's why I have to wear reading glasses or I get really bad headaches. I had something like four broken ribs and bruises everywhere. Danny wouldn't let me go home after that. He put me up in the city and, when he wasn't at home, Flack would come over and sit with me. They took shifts like that until Danny broke his wrist and couldn't play ball anymore... it took almost a year for me to be able to handle both being alone and being around people besides the Messers and Flacks."

"Austin," Lindsay sniffled, "I'm going to hug you now and not let go for a very long time, okay?"

"Okay," Austin nodded and allowed her friend to pull her into a hug as she cried.

* * *

><p>"He refused to go to bed until you got here," Lindsay said with a grin as Colton dove into Austin's arms, squealing happily.<p>

"You should have told me, I would have gotten here sooner."

"Au'tin?"

"Yeah dude?"

"Love you."

She chuckled and held him close, breathing in the little boy scent and reveling in the feeling of his arms around her neck. It had been much too long since she had seen him and now that she was with him, she realized how much she had missed him.

"I love you too buddy."

She stood up and kept holding him, as he seemed unwilling to let go for the time being.

"My Au'tin," he said solemnly, burying his face in her hair. "Not go away no more, 'kay?"

She sighed and closed her eyes, nodding gently.

"I won't go away again, I promise."

"Okay. You put me night-nights?"

She looked over at Lindsay who gave her a smile and a nod.

"Yeah, I'll tuck you in. You gonna say goodnight to your mama?"

"A 'course," he said. "Mama, come here, I hug you."

Lindsay chuckled and held her hands out for him and he fell into her, giggling and peppering her with kisses, just like Adam did.

"Love you the most."

"No, I love you the most."

"Nu-uh mama, love you more."

"How 'bout you love me more today and I get to love you more tomorrow."

"Deal."

They shook on it and she held him close for a while before kissing his cheek and handing him back to Austin.

"Goodnight buddy."

"Night mama."

He gave her a smile and a wave as Austin carried him into his room. Lindsay shook her head and finished putting the dinner dishes away before pouring herself a glass of water and draining the whole thing. She loved these quiet nights that she and Austin had been setting aside to talk, but at the same time she dreaded them, because they always pulled up stuff that neither one of them wanted to talk about. They'd slipped into taking turns too, and tonight was her turn and she was already choking on the words. The funny part was that she was completely comfortable telling Austin, it was the fact that every time she had to tell it, even just a little, it all came rushing back to her, like she was there again. It scared her to know she would feel it again and she wanted to avoid it, but there was a tiny part of her that was looking forward to the catharsis.

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she turned the dishwasher on and put a bag of popcorn in the microwave. They had to have some semblance of normal or she was going to back out and hide and then… well then Austin would be ticked. And they were just getting to the place where small talk was gone and they were laughing and teasing again. It wasn't completely normal because there was still this cloud hanging over them, but they could both cope quite well with overcast weather.

"He wanted me to tuck his stuffed animals all in with him. You realize how many he has, right?" Austin asked, pulling the fridge open and swiping a Pepsi.

"I don't even know where they all came from. I swear we never buy them for him."

"Think they're procreating in the corners of the toybox?"

"There's a missing socks joke in there somewhere but I just can't find it."

Austin chuckled and shook her head.

"Why do our minds always go to the same strange place?"

"Faulty wiring," Lindsay offered, taking the popcorn out of the microwave and dumping it into a bowl before taking her own can of Pepsi out of the fridge.

"Couching it?"

"Always."

"Colton asked me if I would love him for always," Austin said, kicking her shoes off and tucking her feet underneath her.

"He's been asking that a lot lately. What did you say?"

"I said I would. Then he asked if Isa would love him for always and I said he would have to negotiate that one. He seemed to be okay with that."

"He's a peculiar child," Lindsay admitted, inspecting a popcorn kernel before eating it. "I have no idea where he comes up with some of the stuff he says."

"He's a Ross through and through."

"That he is."

They fell silent for a while, neither one of them knowing where or how to start. Lindsay wanted to blurt it out, but she felt like she didn't have all her ducks in a row. Austin was afraid of what she was going to hear, as Stella had warned her she wasn't going to want to know.

"Linds, can you tell me what happened?"

"I can," she said, taking a deep breath. "And I want to and I need to, but before I do you need to promise me something."

"What?"

"Don't let me chicken out halfway through. I have to get it all out or I'm stuck in it."

"You won't get stuck I promise."

She nodded and took another breath.

"What do you already know?"

Austin bit her lip and picked at her fingernail for a second.

"I know that your friends died. I know that you were a witness to it. Stella told me it was more involved than I thought it was. She said that when you told me things would make more sense."

"I really haven't told you very much, have I?"

"No."

"Don't feel bad though. The only reason Stella knows is because Mac found out before he hired me. And she doesn't know it all completely. Adam's the only one who knows every last bit of it."

"Linds, if you don't want to tell me-"

"No, I do. I need to."

"Okay."

She took another deep breath and looked up at the ceiling closing her eyes briefly and feeling like she was jumping off the highdive with no clue how to swim.

"It was the end of my sophomore year. Friday night. We went out to this little arcade that night. Karen was supposed to go with us, but her parents didn't let her because they thought we were a bad influence. So it was me and Kelly and Amy and Steph. After the arcade we went to the diner to get pie. We were there for almost two hours and there was no one else in there. The waitress told us we could stay until she was ready to go home. She always hated being there by herself at night anyway. At one point I got up to wash my hands. I was standing in the bathroom and I heard the door open and the girls started screaming and there were gunshots. And it seemed to go on forever. And I sat there on the bathroom floor just wishing it would stop, you know? And then the screaming did stop. Just kind of faded out and there were just gunshots left. And I don't remember or even know how long I sat there, not knowing what to do or what to think. And then I crawled over to the door and I looked out and I saw…this man. Standing there with a gun. And he was covered in blood and he had that look in his eyes, like he was crazy but there was just… something else there. And I remember wanting so badly to scream and I couldn't. I backed away from the door and hid in the corner with my hands over my eyes until I heard the bell on the door again."

She stopped for a second, catching her breath and preparation for the second half of the story, which was much worse than the first part, because it was what she never told, it was the part that she tried not to remember, the part that hurt the most.

Austin was quiet, waiting for the rest while her insides quaked. She had no idea it was like that. She'd always assumed it was a car accident or something. Never this. Never something so horrible.

"Linds, breathe," she coached seeing the early signs of hyperventilation. Lindsay looked up at her and blinked a few times calming herself before she forged on.

"I waited for a little while. I was so afraid he was coming back. And I didn't want to see it, but I had to call the police. That was all I could think about. I knew there was a phone behind the counter and I thought I could just close my eyes and get there and not have to look. But the second I opened the door I saw them. All of them laying there. There was blood everywhere."

Her breath left her with the words and she tipped her head back on the couch letting the few tears stream out of her eyes and willing her heart to slow back down.

"Lindsay," Austin said softly, her mind going back to her own nightmare, feeling the same terror in her chest.

"I didn't know what to do and I remember just standing there, wondering if they were still alive. I knew they weren't but I had to be sure. I had to touch them again. I don't know where that came from or why, but I walked over to all of them and just looked. Just to see if they were breathing. Later they told me that Amy had been shot first, seven times. The other girls were each shot three times. And then I walked over and Kelly… she was… she was still breathing."

Austin's stomach churned at the thought and she wanted to shake her head and stop the words, make it part of a movie and forget the whole thing. She couldn't imagine how it was for Lindsay, remembering it as part of her life instead of something that had happened to someone else.

"She opened her eyes and I don't know if she really saw me or not, but then she closed her eyes again and…she was just gone. I know I couldn't have done anything, but I wanted to. I wanted to save her somehow. And after a minute I fell down next to her and I shook her shoulder, I guess hoping that she was still alive somehow. But she wasn't. And I don't know what happened next really. I know I got up and I went behind the counter and I called 911. And then I just remember sounds. I was laying on the floor and I heard sirens and the bell on the door. And I could hear the cops and paramedics talking and it was so loud. I think it was a while before anyone found me, but I remember one of the paramedics came behind the counter and he saw me laying there. And I had blood all over from being on the floor and I remember him checking for bullet wounds and I was wishing he would find one. And I kept my eyes closed and just prayed and prayed that it would all be over. He lifted me off the floor and I can still hear the sounds of it. And he kept telling me I was in shock and not to look. And then we were outside and I opened my eyes and I remember looking at the stars while he carried me to the ambulance and trying to imagine I was anywhere but there."

Austin was rendered completely speechless and she wanted so desperately to reach out and at least touch her but she wasn't sure if that was such a good idea. There seemed to be more story festering below the surface so she waited for it to come out.

"I don't remember much else. I know I talked to the cops. They admitted me to the hospital for a few days. I couldn't talk. I sat there and stared straight ahead. People tried to talk to me and I was just silent. And it was months before I really said much, and by then I had to go back to school. I didn't want to but my parents made me, thinking it would help. It was awful. They all avoided me, whispered behind my back. I know it's because they couldn't believe it, I mean, nothing happens in Montana, ever. But they said all these things about how I was in on it, or how I'd paid the guy off to let me go or hundreds of other horrible things."

She sighed and waited until her stomach settled then pressed through to the finish.

"I went a little crazy. I just closed off to everyone. My parents, the friends I had left, everyone. I started getting reckless. Driving fast, hitchhiking. Going places I didn't know with people I didn't know. Drinking. There were times when I was only sober when I slept. I don't know if I hid it well or not. I don't think I really cared. I just wanted to forget. I know it's cliché, like everyone seems to cope that way, but it was all that I could do to forget it. I'm so ashamed now, that I did what I did. I hate that about me. But I can't change it."

"What happened? Why did you stop?"

"Lots of reasons. Kelly's mom begged me to. My brother said I wasn't allowed around my nephew like that. I couldn't stand to see the look on my dad's face anymore. So I locked myself in my room for a week and tried to work through it."

"Linds… how did you even come out of that?"

"I had to. I didn't have a choice. I learned how to function and how to grieve."

"All on your own?"

"I was the only thing I could rely on. Anyone else could turn on me or be taken away. I was all I had so I had to do it alone."

"What about your family? Didn't they help you?"

"I think they wanted to. I was too stubborn to let them. And they didn't know how to help me anyway. I didn't want them to know either so I just pretended I was fine until I really felt better."

"You didn't go to the funerals, did you?"

"I couldn't. I didn't want to. I regret that now, which is why I always go to the cemetery when I'm home. I wish I could have said goodbye properly. I wish a lot of things would have been different. I wish I would have chosen different things."

"You wish it had been you?"

"I did for a long time," she sighed. "It wasn't until… well even after Adam and I were married that I stopped feeling so guilty for surviving. I guess it took someone really loving me to see that I was worth it. I wish it didn't take so long and I wonder sometimes how things would have been different if I saw that earlier. I don't know."

"I didn't know… how alone you were, or how alone you've always felt."

"I never told you either."

"No but… I should have known when I looked at you."

"It's okay. Adam saved me. He really did. He came into my life at a time when I really needed him and I don't know what would have happened to me if he hadn't been there."

"Was it really that long? Ten years before you had someone?"

"Yes."

"Oh Linds," she breathed, feeling utterly helpless as she finally pulled her friend into her arms. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. There's things that happen that we can't fix and we can't change."

"I just wish… I wish I could have been there for you. Or that someone was. Anyone. I always had Danny but you… you were alone."

"It made me stronger."

"You're one of the strongest people I know. Have I ever told you that?"

"No, but it means a lot. I've always thought the same thing about you."

"Are you alright? You're shaking."

Lindsay looked down at her hands and nodded in time with the tremors.

"It takes me a while to get back out of it."

"Nightmares?"

"Yeah."

"How… how bad are they?"

"It depends. Sometimes I can wake myself up from them. Sometimes Adam has to wake me up. Sometimes they're night terrors and he has to splash water on me before I come out of it. Remember a few weeks ago when he had that bruise on his arm? It wasn't from hockey. I punched him in my sleep."

A knot took up residence in Austin's stomach as she imagined the guilt that had to go with that.

"You'll have them tonight, huh?"

"Probably. Adam will be home around midnight though so I won't be alone."

"Want me to stay until he gets here?"

"You don't have to."

"Do you want me to?"

Lindsay balked at that, just a little. She didn't want to be by herself but she still had trouble asking people to do things for her. She never wanted to be a burden or force someone into doing something that they didn't want to do. But right now, she needed to let that wall down or they would just regress back to where they had been before.

"Can you? You don't have to stay that late but at least for a while."

"I'm here as long as you need me."

"Thank you."

"Can I ask you one more thing?"

"Sure."

"Do you still worry that we're all going to be taken away from you?"

"Yeah. Not as manic worry as it used to be. When Adam and I started dating, I actually spent a few days trying to figure out how to break up with him because I was so afraid I would lose him too and I wanted to get out before that happened."

"Why did you change your mind?"

She sighed and smiled a little.

"It was the about three weeks after we'd started dating. I'd worked all night, probably a good twelve hours at least. It was a bad case and I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep for a couple days. And I came home and he'd picked my lock and made me breakfast and he hugged me so hard I almost couldn't breathe. And I realized I wanted him there as long as possible and I was going to quit being scared of something that wouldn't happen again."

"I'm so glad you did otherwise I would have no love story to flail over."

"Oh whatever."

"The way he loves you Linds… I've never seen it before. It's how love was supposed to be when God made it. And you love him just as much. It's almost unreal."

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"Well you and Danny are my favorite love story so I guess we're even."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: This one is pretty heavy too, but after this we're done with the sadness. Promise.

* * *

><p>"Austin," Lindsay's voice was barely above a whisper as they sat in the dimly lit living room surrounded by wrapping paper and presents for Austin's nephew, "if it hurts you so much to be in the same room as your dad then why are you going to this party?"<p>

"Because," Austin's voice was rough as she fiddled with a torn piece of Superman wrapping paper, "Andrew asked me to come. He wants me to be there."

"Doesn't he know what being in the same room as your dad does to you?"

"He, uh," she shook her head as she kept wrapping, "he knows what happened and he's seen the panic attacks but he doesn't comprehend it. He can't. My dad never hurt him so he doesn't know what it's like and he was gone before the worst of it."

"Here," Lindsay took the present from her hands and fixed the fold so the present was fully covered before taping it, "talk it out, Aust, no secrets."

"We were best friends, ya know, since the day I was born. There wasn't a day he wasn't on my side, even when we were fighting. He'd let me crawl into bed with him when it would storm and he was the one who sneaked me out to my first rock concert in some back alley in Harlem when I was twelve. He'd let me out of the basement when dad would leave for work or stumble off to the bar to get wasted. Then he turned eighteen and he left."

"Aust-"

"I've got to get it out, Linds," Austin shook her head and wiped at her tears with the back of her hand, "we had always talked about running away together. He was going to take me with him when he left. He promised that he would take me where Jack Hawthorne would never be able to reach me again. But then his graduation rolled around and he packed up his bags and took off for the ass-end of nowhere without me. He loaded up his Jeep and shook me off when I pulled at his arm and begged him to take me too. He said that he couldn't and that he was sorry. And he left."

Lindsay breathed in sharply as she watched her friend for signs of a breakdown but Austin was holding it together with a grace she rarely possessed.

"Flack was in the academy and Danny had just left to play for the minors and then Andy decided to leave me too," she breathed a shaky breath as she pulled at a raveling thread on her jeans, "I don't know where he was before he got to California but nobody could get hold of him when I was in the hospital begging for him. Besides some payphone calls on my birthday every year we didn't talk until Dallas was born."

Her heart hurt as she listened to the truth behind Austin's deep rooted abandonment issues.

"I thought he could walk on water... hell, I still think he walks on water," Austin pulled her knees to her chest as she moved to wrap another of Mikey's presents, "I never thought that Andrew would hurt me but what he did... what he did hurts more than anything my jackass father ever did. He knew full well what was going on and he walked away. And it hurts so bad inside my chest that I could keel over given the chance but he calls me up and asks to see me and I can't tell him no. Because he's my big brother and I still believe that he can do no wrong."

"Austin," Lindsay reached out to tuck one of the raven curls behind her best friend's ear, "I'm going to hug you now and you're going to cry until it's all out then we'll go back to wrapping presents like this didn't happen, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed and scooted over into the embrace where she sobbed against Lindsay's shoulder. She felt Lindsay's arms wrap tightly around her as she let go of the pain the abandonment had tangled her in, "why can't I hate them?"

"Because it's not who you are," Lindsay ran her hand through Austin's hair as she rocked her slightly, "you don't take the easy way out, no matter how bad the pain is. You don't stop loving people when things get rough."

"I'm sorry I left you," Austin managed through the tears, "I promised I'd never abandon anyone that way and I left you. I'm sorry, Lindsay, so sorry."

"Oh, Austin," she sighed, "you're not like them... I was just mad and I wanted to have the last word in the fight. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you were like them."

"We're messes," Austin pulled back and wiped her tears away.

Lindsay reached out and wiped Austin's smudged mascara as she tried to push down the anger she was feeling on her friend's behalf, "Good thing for you that your last name fits."

Austin chuckled, "Then what's your excuse?"

* * *

><p>"So, can we talk about it?"<p>

Lindsay looked up from the popcorn bowl and rested her chin on her knees, sighing deeply before closing her eyes. She wrapped her arms tightly around her legs, wanting to rock back and forth but knowing how far back that motion made her retreat.

"We can. And I want to tell you, but it's just not easy."

"Yeah, but was the other thing easy either?"

"No, it wasn't. None of this has been easy."

Austin nodded and picked at the threads in hole of her jeans. All this confessing and being honest and picking at past hurts was exhausting and taking its toll on both of them. But it was important, they had to get it all out in the open if they were ever going to get back to the way things were before. It had been a long process, lots of tears and talking, but it had been good for them. Everything came easier now, they could get things out that they never had.

"You're looking at me like you don't know where to start."

"I don't, really."

"I know that it isn't something new, Linds. I also know that it's a lot worse than you let anyone believe it is."

She was quiet for a while, chewing on her bottom lip while trying to come up with the words. It was always difficult to get them out, to admit her hurts and faults, even to and probably especially to someone that loved her.

"There's some stuff going on," she said finally. "Stuff that makes the… the depression worse."

"Like what?"

"We're trying to get pregnant. And it hasn't happened yet."

"How long have you been trying?"

"Not that long," she said with a little shake of her head. "But you know me, I plan things and then my timetable doesn't happen and… I've been making myself think that I can't get pregnant. So I'm all stressed about it and then all this happens and I'm on such a downswing and Adam tells me that maybe we should hold off for a while because it might not be a good idea for me right now. And then it's like I've failed him because he wanted this so much. And I don't know what to do next or how to make it better."

Austin didn't know what to say, she'd had no idea that Lindsay was going through that, and wouldn't have even guessed it either.

"Did you want it too, Linds or were you just doing it for him?"

"No, I want it too. Just as much as he does. I just thought… with Colton we didn't even try. We were trying not to, actually and it just happened. I guess I thought it would be easy this time too."

"I'm so sorry Linds."

"It's okay."

"It's not okay if it hurts you that much," Austin said softly.

"I know. I'm just trying to push through until everything is okay again. I'm just trying to make everything as good as I can and I'm trying not to think about it. But that's what this does, it makes all the bad stuff just run over and over in your mind. It tells you that you're a failure."

"You're not a failure, Lindsay."

"Yes I am," she countered, her voice gaining just a little edge. "I can't even pay attention at work. I forget what I'm doing. Procedures I've done a hundred times are totally foreign. Danny's having to pick up all my slack and I can't even tell him why. And then when I'm home with Colton, it's like… I love him as much as I always have. I take care of him and I play with him, but I just don't feel connected to him. Sometimes I don't feel like he's mine. And you were right when you were saying that stuff about me not being able to get out of bed. I'm just… I suck. I'm a horrible mother and I'm not strong enough to get over this and-"

"Lindsay stop it. You are not a horrible mother. I never said that or thought it or meant to imply it. I know it's hard right now. But you're holding it together. Even if you don't think you are. I saw you with him earlier, it's was just like it's always been. You're doing your best. And I'm really, really proud of you."

Lindsay sniffled and looked away feeling so much shame at what she admitted, feeling so small with her perceived failures weighing down on her, wishing that she could close her eyes and take back what she had said.

"There's more. I know there is."

"I can't."

"Yeah you can, Linds."

"Adam and I… well I guess it's just me. He's trying so hard and I just can't be better."

"What do you mean?"

"I tell him all this stuff and then I'm tapped. I don't have any energy left to listen to him. And I know he's worried about me. And I want to be there for him and I just can't. And he's probably got other things going on that I don't even pay attention to. I'm not the wife I'm supposed to be. We try to spend time together and I'm not all there. We talk and I don't hear him, we have sex and I'm completely checked out. And I'm afraid that… someday it's going to be too much for him. He's going to want to leave me."

"He won't."

"I just want to run away."

A lump rose in Austin's throat at the words, because she knew exactly the desperation of wanting to go away. And she knew the desperation of those that were left behind. She knew it all too well.

"Why do you want to run away, Linds?"

"Because everyone would be better without me. It would be easier for them. Adam could find someone else, someone stable and happy that would be a better wife for him and a better mother for Colton and I wouldn't be dragging them down with me."

"Neither of them would want anyone else."

"I know they love me. But I'm not what's best for them. And if I really love them, then I should do what's best for them right?"

"Yes, you should. But that, running away, that is not what's best for them. That is the worst thing you could do."

"It would be so much easier for everyone."

"For everyone or for you?"

"For everyone. It wasn't supposed to be like this, Aust. I wasn't supposed to be my mother. I was supposed to have it all together, but now it's like I'm worse off than she was."

Austin didn't know what to say; no words sounded right in her head. It was all platitudes and she knew how frustrating and unwanted those would be right now.

"Linds, could anyone on this planet love Adam and Colton as much as you do?"

"No."

"Then leaving them, expecting them to find someone else would be a waste. You're the only one either of them has ever wanted anyway. Just because you're struggling right now, that doesn't erase all the good. I understand that it hurts and that it's hard, but you're still dancing Colton around the kitchen and kissing him goodnight. Maybe that doesn't feel like enough to you because you're usually Supermom, but it's okay to slow down sometimes. Especially times like this when you need it and you have too much to hold."

"I know. You're right. And I know this feeling will pass, it always does. But sometimes I just get to the point where I can't take it anymore."

"I know. And you feel like it's the worst it's ever been and this time it won't get better."

"Yeah."

"But it will get better Linds because you have never laid down and surrendered to anything in your life. You don't want this and you're going to fight it."

"It's so hard."

"I know. Believe me, I know. I've been through it too. Not nearly as bad as this seems to be, but I've been there. I know the desperation, I know the feelings of not being good enough. I know what's it's like to feel like you're a drain on everyone else. I know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep without knowing why you're crying. I know what it's like to wake up and not feel any better. And I know I've never dealt with it like this, I've never had it this bad, but I know how badly it hurt then and I can't imagine what it's like for you right now."

"I feel like everything inside me is gone. Like I left it somewhere and I'm just walking around empty. I don't even have a heart anymore."

"Lindsay, that right there is a big fat lie. You do have a heart. You have one of the biggest hearts I've ever known anyone to have. That's why this hurts so bad. Stop telling yourself you're bad or not enough or that you're a failure. I hate hearing that because it's not true. Do you know that? It's not true."

Tears trickled out of her eyes at the words and she turned away once more wanting to throw her own walls up but temporarily forgetting how.

"It hurts so bad," she whispered finally, her hands clenching as if to divert some of the pain. "I can't make it go away. I try so hard and it won't go away."

The tears came harder and Austin couldn't help reaching over and pulling Lindsay into her arms. Under normal circumstances she never would have, but the tears were too much to handle.

"It's going to get better Linds. It's going to be okay."

"What if it's not this time?"

"It will be."

"What if I end up how I did before?"

"You won't, Linds. I promise. I won't let that happen."

"How?"

"Because I'm not giving up on you. You're my best friend and I'm not going to let you get lost."

"You won't leave me?"

"Never."

"I'm a full time job, Aust. I need a lot. I'm high maintenance."

"No you're not. You only feel that way because you don't think you're worth it. But you are. Linds if the roles were reversed, you'd be there for me, wouldn't you?"

"Of course."

"Then why are you surprised that I'm there for you?"

"I don't… I don't know."

"Well I am. And I'm not going anywhere. Ever."

"Okay. I won't go anywhere either."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Good, because we all love you and need you. You're the lynchpin in this band of familial scallywags you know. You're the glue."

"I am?"

"Without you, Linds, we wouldn't all be this close. Take any one of the rest of us out and it survives but you… you're the one that holds us all together. So you can't go or we'll all go insane."

"I won't. I promise."

Austin nodded and could feel Lindsay wilting against her. She found a throw pillow and pulled it into her lap, then patted it gently. Lindsay gave her a half smile and laid down, sighing and sniffling against the pillow.

"Linds, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"I don't want to ask. I really don't. But I think I need to because of how bad this is and I just need to know."

"Okay."

"Please be honest with me."

"I will."

"Have you thought about… um… about hurting yourself?"

"Now or ever?"

"Both."

"Yeah."

"Have you… um… ever actually done it?"

"No."

She let out a relieved sigh at that, but knew it wasn't over.

"Have you been thinking about it recently?"

"No. But I have in the past and I know how fast it can grab you. I'm aware of it, but I don't dwell on it."

"How much of this have you told Adam?"

"All of it, I think. He makes sure I don't… do what I usually do."

"Okay."

"I am trying, Aust. I really, really am. It's just so hard sometimes."

"I know. But you do your best. And what's that line you always say your dad says?"

"When you've done your best, angels couldn't do better."

"A little too sentimental for my tastes, but he's right."

"Yeah."

"Do think we've finally told each other everything now?"

Lindsay gave a wry chuckle.

"Probably. But I don't think that is gonna keep us from sharing pretty much every thought that crosses either one of our minds from now until we die."

"Oh, absolutely not. Wouldn't trade that for anything."

Lindsay nodded and yawned, every ounce of energy gone from her body. She wanted to keep talking, to put herself in a better place before she fell asleep, but she had nothing left to make her stay awake. And as sleep was becoming a low supply with high demand, she let herself give into it.

* * *

><p>Adam found them just like that a few hours later when he came home. Austin was clicking through the channels, her eyebrows furrowed and her teeth doing a number on her lip while Lindsay slept what looked like the most real sleep she had had in weeks.<p>

"Everything okay?" he asked gently, lifting an eyebrow.

"Yeah, just… it was kind of a long talk and what she told me… I just couldn't leave her alone after that."

He nodded and gestured for her to follow him into the other room.

"Adam, is she okay? I mean, she mentioned that this is the worst it's been and I just worry that she might not come out of it."

He sighed a little and got two glasses out of the cupboard, filling them both with water and handing her one before he answered.

"It's bad. I can't compare it to anything really. But I know on a scale of one to ten… it's pretty high up there."

"Is it going to get worse?"

"I don't think so. It's been getting better. She's been so down for quite a while. I'm sure she told you why."

"Yeah, she did."

"And part of it is that it always happens to her this time of year. It just happened to hit her really hard this time. Usually it doesn't last this long but…"

"We fought."

"Yeah. And I'm not saying that it's all your fault or all her fault and I'm not taking sides here, but if the fight hadn't have happened, this wouldn't have gotten so bad."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Austin, she knows what this does to her and she let it happen anyway. It's her fault too. What I'm getting at here is that she's used to you being there, all the time. And suddenly you weren't and it was like everything spun out of control. You came back though and you're talking again and her world is starting to make more sense."

"You promise?"

"I promise. It's not going to be easy and she still has some things to work out, but you're helping her more than you know."

"Has she talked to her doctor?"

"Not as much as I would like her too, but… she's a work in progress. She's trying. She's getting there."

"I'm really worried about her."

"I know. She's going to be alright though."

"I miss her. I miss looking at her and seeing her happy. I want her back."

"I know. Believe me, I miss that happy Lindsay too. She's in there somewhere. She'll come back to us. I'm starting to see little bits of it again."

Austin nodded and sighed.

"I wish it was different. I wish she didn't have to go through all this."

"Me too. Believe me, I would change it in a heartbeat. Give anything."

"I'm glad she has you, Adam. I don't know where she'd be without you."

"Right back at you."

She smiled a little and set her glass down on the counter.

"I should go."

"Yeah, you need some sleep. Thanks for staying with her. You didn't have to."

"I needed to."

"Thanks all the same."

"You're welcome. Let me know if you guys need anything, okay?"

"Okay."

"And when she wakes up… tell her I love her."

"I will."

"Bye, Adam."

"Bye."

The door clicked closed behind her and Adam went out to the other room, gently lifting Lindsay's head and sitting down on the couch. She stirred a little, blinking a few times before giving him a small smile.

"Hi."

"Hi sweetie. How're you doin'?"

"I'm okay."

"You look tired."

"I am."

"Austin said you talked?"

"Yeah, we did."

"Are you alright?"

"I feel better. I don't know how she feels though."

"Well she told me to tell you that she loves you, so I think she's okay too."

She smiled a little and he twisted one of her curls around his finger before she sat up.

"Adam?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"All of this," she said, her voice starting to shake. "For not being there for you and for being so hard to love and for all the drama and all the crying and just for not being the wife I should be and the mother I should be and for not beating this thing earlier and for making you help me and-"

"Lindsay, stop it," he whispered, pulling her closer and brushing her tears away. "You don't have to apologize for any of this. It's not your fault. It hasn't been the easiest thing in the world but you are trying so hard, honey. You're beating it, one day at a time."

"You didn't marry this part of me. I'm letting you down."

"No you're not. Linds, I knew this about you before we got married. And I married you anyway because I am madly in love with you. I always will be, depression or not."

"I'm so sorry. I want to be better. I really do."

"I know. You're getting there baby. You've got a ways to go, but you're moving in the right direction."

"I just don't know why it's like this. I miss how it used to be, when I was happy and everything was right."

"I miss that too. I miss you so much baby," he said, his tears dropping onto her cheeks. She reached up and pulled him closer, resting their foreheads together and breathing deeply before meeting his eyes.

"I need you right now," she said softly.

"Are you sure sweetheart?"

"Yes. Please, I just need something to be right again. I need something to be normal."

He held her tightly, crushing her to his chest and running his fingers through her hair for a moment before pulling back and kissing her.

"Please, Adam. Please."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He held her for a moment longer, then stood up and carried her to their room, shutting everything else out so it could be just them.


	7. Chapter 7

"C'mon Messer hurry up!" Lindsay hollered, checking her watch.

"What, are we gonna miss our tee time or something?"

"Nah, we just have a limited time before the guys wear out and have to bring the kids home."

"Where did they take them anyway?"

"Science museum."

"Again?"

"I guess there's some kind of new hands on exhibit. Did Danny drop Sarah off with his mom?"

"Yep. She's gonna come home so spoiled."

"Are you almost ready? You're takin' as long as I do and you're not even puttin' makeup on."

"Yeah well."

Lindsay sighed and walked into the bathroom, making a huge show of clutching her chest and slumping against the doorframe.

"Your… hair… it's… girly!"

"I just stole some of Danny's gel and scrunched it."

Lindsay giggled and shook her head.

"Sometimes you amuse me, Aust."

"I do my best. Ready?"

"Yep. Hey, what in the world?" Lindsay lifted an eyebrow at the sight of her best friend in black as night cowboy boots that had some of the prettiest blue stitching that she had ever seen. Her mouth was practically salivating with desire to reach out and touch the leather – which she would have done if she hadn't been sure that Austin wouldn't have spent the rest of the day mocking her.

"What?"

"You've got boots. Nice ones."

"So?"

"They're pretty."

"Linds, do you got boot envy?"

"Yes."

"But you've got boots. About seventy pairs."

"I have five pairs but yours are nice. Fancy."

"Yeah, well I am pretty sure they're knock offs. I got them at a flea market up in Syracuse a billion years ago and I'm fairly certain that the old lady was a professional grifter," Austin explained as she grabbed her keys from the table by the door, "C'mon, let's go be equestrians."

"Adam once asked me if that was a religion."

Austin snorted a laugh and grabbed her leather jacket off the back of the couch.

"How did you ever fall in love with him? He's so dorky."

"He's a good kisser," Lindsay shrugged as they headed out the door.

"And you're pretty dorky yourself I guess. It fits."

"Gee thanks. So tell me, have you ever ridden a horse before?"

"Is it like riding a bike?"

"Absolutely not."

"Well then no. Am I screwed?"

"No, I won't let you fall or make a fool of yourself."

They hailed a cab to the Central Park stables and were assigned to two horses. Lindsay had been here enough to have a regular horse, Sir Reginald, but Austin was assigned to Thunder.

"Oh, so you get the nice British horse while I'm riding around on the stallion that should be named Death Under Saddle?"

Lindsay giggled and ran a brush over Reginald's mane.

"It's going to be fine, Aust. Besides, it was your idea to come with me."

"No, it was your idea."

"No, I said I was going and you said you wanted to come."

"Yeah, because I wanted to spend time with you, not die being bucked from an immense quadruped!"

"Oh my word."

Thunder snorted suddenly and Austin backed away, stumbling right through a fresh pile of manure.

"Aw crap!" she hollered, stomping the dirty boot against the hay covered floor, trying to get it clean. "I can't believe… Linds, quit laughing!"

"I'm sorry, it's just… it's just… you are such a city girl!"

"I have poop on my boot! You wanna help me get it off?"

"Okay, come here," Lindsay said, leading her over to the water spigot on the wall. She connected a hose to it and turned the water on, aiming for Austin's boot.

"Hey, you got my jeans!"

"Sorry, it splashed."

"You splashed poop water on me!"

Lindsay couldn't stand it anymore, and tears were running down her cheeks as she tried to stay standing, eventually just leaning against one of the horse stalls.

Austin shot a glare in Lindsay's direction while she finished cleaning her boot off. It wasn't that she was afraid of horses or getting a little poop on her boot but this was the first time they had really hung out since clearing the air and she wanted it to go perfectly. She ran a hand through her curls and propped the other on her hip, "Alright, show me how to do this."

"Alright," Lindsay wiped her laughter tears on the back of her tanned wrist as they walked back to the horses, "put your left foot in that stirrup and grab that. Now push yourself up and pull yourself over," Austin began to do it but lead with the wrong foot, "Austin, your other left foot unless you want to ride this thing backwards."

"Not a word, Linds, not a friggin' word."

Lindsay bit her lip as she watched Austin mount the horse successfully before climbing on her own. It felt good to be on a horse with the reigns settling against her callouses and the pure power of the animal beneath her. She patted Reginald before clicking her heels against his sides as they set off on the trail through the park.

They traveled a while in simple silence with nothing but the clicking of horse hooves between them until Lindsay glanced over at her, "Austin, if you don't relax you are going to be so sore by the time we're done that you won't walk for a week."

"That is so what somebody said," Austin fired back as she relaxed against Thunder.

"You're not doing bad," she promised, "you actually have a rather natural seat."

"You lookin' at my butt, Linds?"

"Yeah, Aust, your honkytonk badonkadonk is very natural in the saddle," Lindsay chuckled as they began their way up a small incline.

"If I could reach you I would smack you," Austin promised as she grabbed the saddle horn to keep from falling off, "I am gonna die on this thing."

"You are not going to die."

"I am," she protested, "tell Danny and the kids that I loved them, okay, because this thing is gonna slaughter me."

"You're imbuing Thunder with far too much power."

"Am not!"

"Austin Grace Messer, knock it off," Lindsay ordered with a smirk, "now tap your heels against his side again so we can canter."

"Canter," the horrified look on Austin's face almost made Lindsay fall off her horse with laughter, "I can't canter! I can barely handle this thing at walking speed."

"It's like the law of inertia, okay, the speed is gonna hold you to him a little better."

"You must think I'm really dumb."

"Austin, would I ever lead you into danger?" Lindsay questioned, looking back over her shoulder at her reluctant friend.

"No."

"Do you want me to start makin' chicken noises?"

"No, I'm comin'."

"Atta girl."

They cantered for a while until Austin got the hang of it and relaxed, then they slowed down again.

"So how often do you come here?"

"Every other week or so. Depends. More lately though."

"It helps," Austin deduced, noticing how Lindsay's entire vibe had changed. She looked lighter, her eyes were more open, her nails weren't bitten down to the quick anymore. She looked like herself again.

"Yeah, it does."

"You look better."

"I feel better," Lindsay sighed, leaning down to pat the horse.

"Good."

"Hey, how was your nephew's birthday party?"

"Surprisingly fine. Andy's wife really gives him a run for his money, so we spent a lot of time ragging on him. It was almost a normal family gathering."

"Progress."

"That it is."

"But that's not what we're going to talk about today."

"No it's not."

"Did I ever tell you about my first kiss?"

"No," Austin chuckled. "You mean it wasn't Adam?"

"Oh brother, you know it wasn't. Wish it was, probably wouldn't have gone the way it did, but…"

"Is this embarrassing? If so then yes, I want to hear it."

"I was fifteen. It was a boy/girl party that was supposed to be chaperoned, which let's face it, never really happens. You know how most people play seven minutes in heaven? Well if you're havin' the party in a barn you play seven minutes in the haymow."

"You're such a hick."

"His name was Scott Davenport and he had braces, which are very important in this story."

"Why, did you have braces?"

"No, thank the deities. So we climb up to the haymow, and mind you neither one of us know what we're doing or really why we're doing it. I didn't know who was supposed to lead and neither did he, so we sat there for six and a half minutes before we both leaned in and smashed our faces together. Hard. I mean, we got a kiss in, but when he pulled back he had a bloody nose and I had braces marks on my lips."

Austin chuckled and dipped her head down while her shoulders shook with laughter.

"How did you recover from that? Socially I mean."

"I'm not done. So we're both embarrassed, and he jumps up to scramble down the ladder but he looses his footing and slips halfway down, but then his foot gets caught on the rungs and he flies backwards, breaking his ankle before he finally wriggles free and drops to the floor where he passes out."

"Oh Linds. Did they make fun of you for maiming him? Because I would have."

"Nah, luckily they called him a pansy and blamed him for not knowing how to kiss a woman, so I didn't suffer any public repercussions."

"And privately?"

"I didn't kiss anyone again until I was 20."

"That is the worst first kiss story I have ever heard. My heart actually aches for you."

Lindsay snorted and shook her head.

"At least you have some sympathy. Adam didn't stop laughing for three hours when I told him. And then he said he was going to kiss me so good I would forget all the bad ones."

"Gag."

"Okay, I told mine, you have to tell yours."

"You only told me that to hear mine?"

"No, but it's a good segue."

Austin wrinkled her nose and sighed.

"Let me think about it. I need to make it more dramatic than it really was. Until then, suffice it to say that Danny has come a long way in his kissing abilities."

"I'm glad for you."

They rode on for a few minutes, letting the horses stop to nibble at the spring grasses that were just coming up, and enjoying the not freezing breeze that blew by.

"I've never done this friend thing before," Austin confessed, examining the reins in her hand carefully. "At least not like this. I'm sorry if I don't do it right."

"There's no right or wrong way, Aust," Lindsay countered, shaking her head.

"I just sometimes think that… you've done all this before. You've had a best friend, you know how to… love them I guess."

"At the risk of sounding really corny, I've never had a best friend like this. Nowhere in the world does there exist anyone even slightly resembling another Austin."

"Gee thanks."

"It's a good thing. We don't want the world to implode, do we?"

"Guess not."

"And as far as not knowing how to love me, you're doing just fine. You haven't given up on me yet and you never will. You know me better than any other friend has before and I trust you more than I ever trusted them."

"Even after all this?"

"Honestly? Especially after all this. Do you think we ever would have talked about the things we've talked about without what happened?"

"No."

"Then it's worth it, right?"

"Yeah."

"Do you still feel as guilty as I do?"

Austin nodded.

"I just wish it hadn't happened."

"Me too. But I guess now we know it won't happen again."

"That's true. Even when I was so mad I still felt like I needed to talk to you a couple times a day. I think we have a problem."

"Possible, but I'm comfortable with it."

"Isa missed Colton a lot. I didn't realize how often they normally get to see each other."

"I'm glad they love each other so much. I always worry that Colton's lonely."

"You guys play with him."

"Yeah, it's just… we could play with him all day long, but he could see Isa for two hours and be way more excited about her than he is about us."

"Isa's like that too. I hope it lasts their entire lives. I don't want them to lose each other."

"I don't either."

"Why do we always do this?"

"What, be sappy?"

"Yes!"

"I don't know."

"Lindsay," Austin glanced over at her as they started up a small incline, "are we almost done?"

"I am throwing something at you when we get back to the stables."

"What did I do?"

Lindsay shot her the most incredulous she could muster, "You're worse than Isa and Colton combined when they're stuck in the car for hours on end."

"That's mean," she jutted out her lower lip and removed her foot from the stirrups just long enough to kick at Lindsay before placing it immediately back where it was, "okay, never doing that again."

"When you land on your butt I reserve the right to laugh."

"You would not be you if you didn't."

They road in silence for awhile as Austin got comfortable in the saddle. There was something about the way they slipped away from the world while smack in the middle of the city; the world was near quiet with nothing but the sound of clopping foot hooves beneath them. They shared glances every few minutes and giggled softly but no one said anything until they reached the homestretch before them. Austin turned to Lindsay, "I wanna go fast."

"Wild one."

"Don't mock me when I'm attempting to do your thing."

"Alright, shotgun rider, let's ride."

* * *

><p>"Baby, you smell like a horse," Danny said, wrinkling his nose and shaking his head.<p>

"Still smell better than you. 'Sides, I did something constructive today."

"Well I taught the kids about gravity!"

Austin arched an eyebrow and looked at Lindsay.

"Yes, but Austin managed to not fall off a horse."

"That's my Graceless," he chuckled as the kids came out of the bedroom, squealing and tackling their mothers. Sarah babbled to herself and crawled across the floor, her hands slapping the linoleum until she reached Austin's feet and sat, smiling and watching the chaos around her.

"So since we did the dad thing today, are you two gonna make us dinner?" Adam asked hopefully. They never knew what they were doing together in the kitchen, but it usually turned out okay, what with Austin's love for using every spice in the cabinet and Lindsay's ability to save pretty much anything.

"I guess we could," Lindsay shrugged.

"But we're turning the music on."

"A little taste of the 90's would be nice."

"Oh yeah. Maybe some Eagle Eye Cherry?"

"Backstreet Boys."

"KC and JoJo."

The guys groaned, knowing that this wasn't just talk. There would be music. And singing into spatulas. And dancing. As if they had never been apart.

And, if they were honest, they kind of liked it that way.

The girls filed into the kitchen with their minions in tow, clinging to their mothers' legs as they begged for sweets they wouldn't receive and kisses which they got a surplus of. Austin scooped Sarah up on one hip and Isabeth on the other, peppering their cheeks with kisses before putting them back on the floor and picking up Colton while Lindsay grabbed the girls. She kissed his soft hair, "Hey, Duder."

"Hi Au'tin," he smiled and nuzzled against her shoulder, "dunner time?"

"I do believe it is time for dinner," she smiled as she placed him on the floor and ruffled his hair, "how about you guys go play in the other room while the mamas get their Emeril on."

He looked up at her as he patted his hair back down, "Au'tin, you so silly."

"Yeah, dude, we know."

The adults laughed as Isabeth led the group of screaming banshees out of the kitchen. Austin turned on the radio and fiddled with the stations until country music came in loud and clear as Lindsay got the ingredients for "poor man's stew" out of the cupboard. Sounds of Sugarland filled the room as Austin grabbed the pot from below the sink and filled it with water as Lindsay opened the boxes of macaroni. Austin's gravelly voice blended with Lindsay's soft alto as they danced around each other, "Friday, pay day, Lordy got a get away, had it with the wife thing, livin' on a shoe string. What's a poor girl got to do just to have some fun? All these years without any help Guess what, honey, clothes just don't wash themselves! Neither do dishes, neither does the bathroom floor. So, now if anyone asks, not that they would I'll be down in Mississippi and up to no good."

The belted out the last few lines, then bumped into each other and giggled, Austin slipping in the water that splashed out of the large pot.

"You're gonna kill yourself one day," Lindsay snickered, throwing a towel down on the ground and swiping it around.

"Notice that I only do stuff like that around you."

"Hey, Danny called you Graceless long before I happened upon the scene," Lindsay reminded her as they sidestepped towards each other, each extending a leg to tap the heels of their boots together.

"Yeah, but you make me worse."

"I guess so, but you make me worse too and we both know that two worses make a… well you know where I was going with that."

"Yewp. I knew it even before you said it."

"I don't think I need to talk anymore. Ever."

Austin chuckled and opened the fridge, not sure what she was looking for, and wondering how long it would take before Lindsay told her to stop cooling off the room.

"Jennifer Nettles has the most amazing voice," Lindsay mused, stirring the noodles in the pot.

"The twang?"

"Yeah. There's just something about it that… I don't know, all the bad stuff just goes away if I turn it up loud enough."

"Your voice is kinda like that."

"No it's not."

"Yeah it is, when you're really thinking about it you get all twangy."

"Maybe."

"But your real voice is like that too Linds."

"What are you talking about?"

Austin sighed and closed the fridge, then opened the freezer to find some frozen juice for the kids before she spoke.

"You're like that for me. When I'm mad or upset all you have to do is start talking and I feel better. You have this way of calming me down and making things okay again. I don't really know why. Or how. You're magic."

"You are too. If it weren't for you, I would be really alone."

"All the more reason for us to never be stubborn and fighting again."

"Exactly."

"You know what though?"

"What?"

"I think we're hugging friends now."

"You be Phoebe, I'll be Monica."

Austin chuckled as the kids came back into the room, Sarah crawling as fast as she could to keep up.

"Food?" Isa asked, walking over to the stove and standing on her tiptoes to try and look in the pot.

"In a few minutes," Lindsay assured, picking the little girl up and holding her tight. "Are you going to eat it or throw it at each other?"

"Eat," she decided, rubbing her stomach. "Growlin'."

Lindsay smiled and kissed her, and Isa sighed happily, enjoying the cuddles that she rarely wanted from anyone but Lindsay.

"Miss you, Indy. Love you."

"I love you too, my girl."

Isa held on for several minutes longer and Lindsay leaned against the counter, loving the feeling of the little girl in her arms. She'd missed these moments too, more than she even realized and she closed her eyes to hold onto the feeling for a little while longer.

Austin smiled at her best friend and daughter, leaning over to press a kiss to Isabeth's curly black hair while she stirred the pot. The broken pieces of the last few weeks were slowly molding themselves back together as laughter filled the home and hugs were passed from person to person. The feeling itself was something akin to coming home after a long trip away; nothing quite like breathing easy as your heart returns to the place it had always belonged. Her heart practically hummed with happiness as she felt the love that overfilled her home.

"Isa, baby," she smiled as her best friend let her daughter escape to the floor, "go tell your homies that dinner is done and they better move their cute little butts if they don't wanna Mama and Indy to eat it all first."

Isa giggled and sprinted out of the room.

"She's a wild one," Lindsay decided before beginning to sing an old Faith Hill song under her breath.

Austin accompanied her eye roll with a soft hip-check as she stood on her tiptoes to pull down the bowls, "Crazy woman."

"Takes on to know one," Lindsay fired back with a grin before grabbing the silverware from the drawer.

"Ma," Isabeth peeked her head back in the room, "food."

"We're coming, Starvin' Marvin, hold your horses."

The toddler pursed her lips and cocked an eyebrow.

"That means it's time for daddy to put you in your seat, Scully," Lindsay informed her.

Isa shook her head as she walked away mumbling, "Indy, Ma, sillies."

"That child is gonna be a force to be reckoned with," Lindsay offered her best friend a sympathetic smile as she watched the little girl stomp off with her hands on her hips.

"Gonna be?"

"She's not even two yet, you're in for one heck of a ride."

"Basically," Austin sighed as she carried the plates to the table and doubled back for the food, "God help me when she can actually speak in full sentences."

"Force. To. Be. Reckoned. With."

"Hurricane force."

Lindsay laughed, "Well said, Sister Suffragette."

"No more Gilmore girls for the crazy ladies," Danny teased while he finished fastening Isabeth into her chair. He crossed over to his wife and pecked her lips, "I love when you're all domestic."

"Don't expect it a lot," Austin teased as she yanked him back in for another kiss, "I only do this because Lindsay is here to make sure I don't blow up the kitchen. Tomorrow we return to your regularly scheduled cold pizza."

"I love when you speak leftovers," he laughed and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Go away, you're a jerk." Austin shoved him with a laugh.

"Lucy, Ricky," Lindsay smirked at them from the table, "would you care to join us for food now?"

"Nah, I think I want to take her away. We'll be back for dessert."

"People who don't eat their dinner don't get dessert," Lindsay said sternly, a smile in her eyes.

"I have an answer for that, but I think it would be a better idea if I just sat down and shut up," Danny noted, clearing his throat.

"Always," Austin, Lindsay, and Adam chorused.

Danny sighed and shook his head, glad the four pronged banter was back the way it should be.

The kids were having a grand time making a mess of themselves and hollering to be heard over the adult discussion. Colton had eaten all the potatoes out of Isa's soup and she in turn had taken all the carrots out of his. Their dinner rolls were mangled messes and they would both be in need of baths for the amount of dinner that had ended up in places other than their mouths.

"Colton Matthew, don't put dinner in your pocket."

"For later," he defended. "A'night snack. Like daddy."

"Are you ratting on daddy?"

"Nope. Mama daddy eatin' cookies in bedtime."

"Jealous?" Adam asked. Colton nodded and continued to stuff his dinner into the pocket on the front of his overalls.

Lindsay and Austin exchanged glances over the table figuring there was no point in fighting the strange antics of their offspring. Especially once Isa took her shoe off and put it on the table, then nestled her milk glass inside.

Dinner was finished and the kids were all given a quick bath, splashing happily in the warm water and bubbles while their mamas kept close watch and their daddies cleaned up the kitchen. Pretty soon it was time for the family to disband for the evening. The kids gave each other hug after hug, pressing chubby cheeks together and giggling over secrets. As they grew up it took longer and longer to say goodbye at the end of the night, and it wasn't their fault. Lindsay and Austin kept thinking of things to say and it wasn't until Adam looked at his watch, cleared his throat and tapped his foot that they got the message.

"Tuesday?" Austin asked with a smile, hoping they could kick things back into a normal gear now.

"Tuesday. We'll do lunch."

"Perfect."

They stood awkwardly for a split second before stepping forward and hugging each other tightly.

"I'll always be here, Aust."

"So will I. I love you, Linds."

"I love you too."

The addition of the "I" in the phrase wasn't lost on either of them as they pulled away and smiled at each other, knowing that all the promises they'd made would never be broken, and they would always be.


End file.
